Forever His Servant

Heart Words

2012-02-22T13:00:00.000-05:00

I stare at paper.

So many times, this past week especially, I've sat to write and found that somehow I can't write what's inside...and bring it to outside...words.

I stare up and I think. I stare into pages of His word and I think.

And I realize life is not orchestrated by me.

I look ahead at life and I see Him painting pictures. I look at life now, and I see the colors being mixed.

I see sovereignty in pain; sovereignty in all I'm learning; sovereignty in His guidance; sovereignty....in this moment.

I see ugly in life and I see grace.

I see beauty.

Friday, I sit and listen...world fades...peoples heads and pages turn and whispers and quiet laughs and nods turn to silence as we all listen...and all fades from my vision.

I focus on the speaker, trying to comprehend.

Pen meets paper.

"My heart melts under Love and I am mesmerized by the incomprehensible.

Do I grasp that I am loved? Loved with the same love with which the Father treasured Jesus?"

Frankly, I don't.

I think I do.

And yet I know I haven't.

I never will fully. Not until heaven. And then? Maybe then?

Do I realize that this love is winning my heart? I say "It has won" but I think--no, I know, I have more to give and more to surrender and more to understand. I see training happening now for things ahead I don't know of and I suddenly see how His ways are always better than mine.

Single tear trickles down cheek. I stare and all seems silent except the echo of the speaker's voice.

In John 17:23 Jesus prays that we may comprehend that we are loved with same love with which the Father loves the Son--we are in Christ--that love is ours.

Why is it so hard for me to understand?

Quiet sobs rise from soul. I sit on bed as mom lays hands on her not-so-little girl and prays.....before the throne...interceding in the Spirit.

And suddenly, it clicks in head. Him praying for me...before the throne....love.

Tears fall.

Heart pain. As one friend puts it (here)...my heart knows heart pain.

And it knows sin all to well. I see the ugly in my own heart. I see self-pity and pride and selfishness.

As I confront God and His holiness, and contemplate the life that I am meant to live, I see myself, my utter helplessness and hopelessness. I discover my quality of spirit and immediately that makes me mourn. I must mourn about the fact that I am like that. But obviously it does not stop there. A man who truly faces himself, and examines himself and his life, is a man who must of necessity mourn for his sins also, for the things he does....And he discovers this war in his members, and he hates it and mourns because of it. (Lloyd-Jones, Studies in the Sermon on the Mount, 47, 48)

And I see this war raging. And yet, I see the Cross and am reminded of cleansing blood and absolute, final forgiveness. The Once-for-all sacrifice...how reading through Leviticus makes my heart rejoice all the more...in that sacrificial Lamb slain for the sins of the world.

Feeling spiritual warfare at high in and around soul right now. Seeing Satan trying to destroy things and fighting on my knees and pleading for strength and wisdom.

The hymn "Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken." How it's words have comforted my soul lately.

I want a...hmm...how did I put it the other night?

Oh, I yearn for purity! Purity of heart and soul and motives and words and just an overall sense of being saturated with You and Your desires for me and surrender. This constant surrender I must learn--not in my own strength.

I read "blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God" and my heart wants to see Him. Wants a life that wants nothing but His will and nothing but what He would orchestrate! I want to accept each day with joy and not live for myself. I want to give.

I'm tired.

Yet, sweet peace that comes with laying all down and just trusting. There is little anxiety within my heart today about tomorrow. For tomorrow is orchestrated by Him and I've let it go...can He help me continue? When dread wells and when worries taunt can I still trust then and say "I know the God I serve" and silence the enemy by the power of His Spirit?

Rain pours on roof and I listen to music and write. Just to catch my breath for a moment. Then all begins again. Been learning much lately friends...between heart lessons and working with hands and doing school and just talking a lot with Him quietly. Wanting to grow, and asking Him to show me how.

He grants gifts I don't ask for or deserve, yet it is all His love pouring forth. Thank you, Father! May I rest in You.

Two minutes until lunch break ends..which means I bit you adieu.

5 minute Friday: Delight

2012-02-17T11:47:00.001-05:00

Delight.

go.

I think of delight and I see children's eyes glowing. I see the innocence of small years and eager anticipation and trust. I see joy overflowing--delight shining through face.

I see girl and I see man and I see God and I think of Him delighting over them and them delighting in one another and just simply delighting in their God.

I see young woman knowing Savior and asking, seeking, knocking, and suddenly I realize I have come to know delight with great tenderness and intimacy. I see delighting in His precepts. I see the hunger to know more and become more and just to revolve everything around Him.

I think of girl-heart driving home and whispering that she's realized it. She remembers before she did. It being that the only thing that truly matters is His glory. And I think of girl heart staring at sunset and girl heart staring at shooting airplane line across sky reflecting sun glory and I know delight. I've experienced it in depths of heart and soul and suddenly, I fill with delight and smile rises to lips.

"Delight yourself in the Lord..." It's so easy if we just stop and try. Stop from day craze and life's whir and suddenly gaze upon the Hand of God throughout the world. I see delight in touchable, seeable, experienceable form. And as we delight in Him, and all He teaches and offers, suddenly He gives us the desires of our heart because those desires are His desires. As we delight, He transforms, and grace changes ugly to beauty and the Cross work begins again and will bring all to completion in His timing.

'Tis so easy to delight in Him. Take a moment. Stop. Gaze into Love's eyes and know.

stop.

5 minutes. Writing. No backspacing.

New Comedy Video (by Cody): Lazer tag in real life

2012-02-17T07:01:00.000-05:00

Deviating from the natural nature of my posts, I wanted to share with you one of my brothers latest projects.

He shot this with two of his friends..each of the guys have sisters and we were behind the cameraman(Cody) or observing this the whole time...laughing our heads off. There were plenty of bloopers that could have made it into this. ;)

Enjoy. And Cody said, if you'd like to subscribe...he wouldn't mind. ;)

What Love Is

2012-02-13T22:07:00.001-05:00

And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. Godis love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.

~1 John 4:16~

What love is this?

I sit on swing in bitter cold. Hand grasps rope; hand in pocket...lines falter mid-melody as tears fall and voice fails.

"Jesus, I my cross have taken...all to leave and follow Thee.
....I have called Thee Abba Father,
Think what Father's smiles are thine...
In Christ alone...
And as He stands in victory...
In Thy service pain is pleasure,
With Thy favor, loss is gain...
For I am His, and He is mine..."

The silence. Nothing but the occasional whisper of the wind touching the creations in it's path.

How does one grasp love? Understand? Sometimes the view we have a love is twisted, wrinkled, stained, decrepit...almost ugly. In our world today, love has lost it's meaning. Love has been choked, restrained, and turned into something...artificial. Fake. Untrue.

I had to learn to understand love. I still am; I don't get it...I don't understand it fully.

Love isn't what I thought it was.

I think now I understand that Love transforms ugly. Love is only ugly when it is not love.

Maybe it's simply love's wrinkled, twisted finger wrapping around the already ugly that turns things into grace. Maybe all this time it's just been the lenses I've been viewing the world through. For when the cool mud is wiped and the scales fall off, my eyes open up to see love in all it's beauty. Love is in the deaths, the tears, the aching cries of wounded hearts, the angry words, the hugs, the tension, the melodies of children's laughter, the simple conversations of life.
How can my heart be so content in this God...this Love. I call my friends "love," and "dear," and I call the one-day-husband-out-there-somewhere "love" and I call Him.....

...Love. And only He holds this title in all perfection. Love in all it's Glory. If He is love--I am to be love...love unconditional...He leads me to His verses....

"Love bears all things."

Bears all things. For all things are love to me...given in love, allowed in love from the Hand of the Potter.

"Love never fails."

Love in the heart of His child never fails because He is love and Love dwells within and Love can't bear to dwell with ugly hate and ugly bitterness and ugly sin. Love takes over all and wins the heart completely. It sweeps clean and fills full and makes hungry for more.

Love isn't just a feeling. It's not self-seeking. It's not self-pitying. Love is not puffed up. Love does not seek it's own. Love gives. In every form of relationship. Family. Marriage. Lovers. Friends. Love gives.

For love suffers long.

I stared at these words and eyes read and re-read and I ponder, deep. Let them seek in.

Love suffers long.

Love does not give up. Love takes the days of "I can't take another step" to "I can walk on water."
Love takes the circumstances that are ugly, and shines all the brighter in contrast.

"And now abide faith, hope and love, these three; but the greatest of these is love" (1 Corinthians 13:13).

I drove quietly today...walked quickly into Walmart past rushing people and weary children and roses and chocolate and I wonder...what does this world know of love?

And I whisper to heaven, for my heart is full. I am content in Him.

I look eagerly ahead, yet in this moment He has instilled within me a patience for today.

I smile. I am not yearning or feeling alone this Valentine's Day.

I am beginning to know Love.

To learn these lessons now--to know Love deeper and grasp Love tighter and surrender more to Love--all these things will make me more prepared for the days ahead. I do not want to wait to learn Love's lessons then. I want to learn them now.

Teach me love that I may love and You may love through me and somehow I'll come to know Love more intimately day by day. I look over life and I see strokes of love and love and Love.

Somehow the bitter aches turn love and the tears cried--even last night in darkness--turn love and words turn love and everything turns into a gift of grace. Mercy. Love.

God is love.

Do we grasp this. Do we grasp this?

We yearn and quietly question why God doesn't give us someone--that perfect prince...why must we fight culture and why, why must we wait on love?

God is love.

That means, that everything--every longing--every love searching....can be found, in Him. He is the epitome of love...love's perfection....love's sacrifice...love's rivers flowing. We want the love we're waiting for and yet a Love we are missing is waiting right beside us longing for our hearts.

For me? I am discovering this Love. But I didn't just magically open eyes and see one day.
He had to open eyes. Open my eyes...these two blue eyes He formed from dust and made for a purpose which I don't yet fully understand but want to follow with all my heart.

This love is so overwhelming, I'm afraid. It's too good to be true....to unreal in this world that screams hurt and split hearts. This Love that offers all...offered all...and beckons. How can we refuse?

"...I am afraid...for no one has ever sacrificed and loved me this way...

So on my face I'll fall under Your heavy grace...Here I'll lay in awe and wonder....

And I wonder" (Leeland).

This heavy weight of grace. I don't want to loose it. How bitterly and strangely the enemy has been attacking lately and fear has welled and I have felt alone.

Yet, one whispered word of prayer....
And the enemy flies.

One cry for Love,
And He is by my side.

I am full. And someday's true love will be sweeter because of today's Love and we two can share and we can serve and know love from Love together all the more sweetly for knowing Love first. Intimately. Richly.

This love is rich in mercy.

And

rich--

(overflowing, outpouring, bountiful)--

in

grace.

Each gift is love. Each day is love. We can walk in love.

He is love.

What are we waiting for?

Love is ours for the taking.

Haste thee on from grace to glory,

Armed by faith, and winged by prayer.

Heavens eternal days before thee,

Gods own hand shall guide us there.

Soon shall close thy earthly mission,

Soon shall pass thy pilgrim days,

Hope shall change to glad fruition,

Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

(Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken)

All will fail...but love never fails. Love will bring us home. Love fulfills us now.
Love is beautiful.

What love is this?

Five Minutes: Trust

2012-02-10T09:34:00.000-05:00

Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

Word for the day....Trust.

Go.

Trust. I sit here and wonder at that word...how many hidden meanings can be wrapped in 5 letters? I think of life and I think of things I've passed through and things I face daily and I come to the conclusion that trust is active faith in God. An active faith that says, "I believe" and doesn't worry and doesn't dread the next moment or 'morrow. An active faith that say, "You're walking with me, You see me....." The faith that says "You are sovereign; I am surrendered. I trust You." Trust is scary...but why is trust scary when we are placing it in a God that loves us and knows us more intimately than anyone else in this world? How many times has the label "trust" made it on to one of my posts...because it's a lesson I'm constantly learning at new levels. I think I understand; I think I've understood...and yet, then, again, He takes me deeper, lower, and asks if I'm ready for the next step...next season of refinement. Who am I to doubt? Doubt. The very antithesis of trust. And if I am doubting the God who promises He Himself is faithful and who I believe is faithful because of what I've experienced for myself...if I am doubting...then I am claiming He is a liar. God-forbid I should do such a thing! He is my Lord. I am but a worm. Who am I to cry out with complaints on my lips or in fear? "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.." This, this is the secret to trust. Lean not on your own understanding. We only begin to worry when we look at our plans and see them crumbling and then we run to God and say "What are you doing?" It would be so simple if we grasped: "Lean not on your own understanding." But acknowledge....acknowledge Him. Look to Him, open hands, open heart...open eyes and mouth to receive and speak what He would have us receive and speak. "He will make straight our paths." Trust....active faith....surrender.

Stop.

Redeeming Time: ...one brother....one life.

2012-02-07T14:10:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, my brother entered a film competition that began Friday night and ended Sunday night. Write the script Friday, film Saturday, add effects Sunday afternoon/evening. My weekend consisted of 8 boys(yes. this is just six of the eight), more guns lying around than I've seen in a long time, and a constantly running dishwasher. I had the 8 brothers I'd always wanted....except when it came to sitting and watching footage late at night with only one shoulder to lean on that's too close to the computer for you to get to. I was so tired. I think just watching them work made me exhausted. *laughs quietly

What have I missed?

My eyes fill again.

Lord, redeem the time.

It had been a longweekend, and a rough night. He was called downstairs and I didn’t think he wasgoing to be able to come back up. But I just began praying and pleading fromthe depths of my heart that God would give me a chance and wouldn’t allow theenemy to interfere between sister loving brother in those weary hours. And I grabbed my Bible as the prayer echoed fiercely from my lips as a daughter of the King binding enemy. Firstverse my eyes fell upon said, “I have heard your prayer and have chosen thisplace for Myself as a house of sacrifice.” (2 Chronicles 7:12) Sacrifice. That was my prayer. That this house would be for me, a place of sacrifice.

He comes in as I finish, walkingwearily.

And I was able to bless him that night. As my hands rubbed his aching neck to calm the throbbing head...I wondered how it had happened.

When did he grow up?

When did my little brother with baby face turn into this young man in the chair in front of me? Dreaming and reaching from a bent reality he's always known. When did it all happen?

When did match box cars and legos turn into Adobe After Effects and drums? When did little story books and plastic animals turn into games and camo and being a man?

The tears fall and I choke as I try to steady my voice to hide the wet face he can't see as his own is buried in a pillow. I pray; I whisper. Over a soul I didn't realize how deeply I loved and that's why my heart hurts when he hurts and that's why the ache comes and I wish I could show him the true King's love.

I've missed so much the past couple years...life's been crazy and I've forgotten to open my eyes and step out in faith and though love hurts, love is the answer. I've grown so much spiritually, but its time for me to pour out....to give. To now do the things He's prepared me for and to give towards eternity. I can now pour. What really matters? The souls around me.

When did the 7 other boys who graced our home this weekend with dozens of shoes and deep voices and backpacks turn into young men? All from different homes--some broken, some whole, some healing, some filled with love--I see them as sons whom my Father loves dearly and I'm watch them as they spend time with my brother and I pray. Pray that God will draw their hearts to absolute abandon. Pray that He will grab hold of them and bring them to nothing that they may be the Davids and the Daniels of this generation.

When did it all happen? This burning in my heart to fight for souls that are battling within themselves. How subtle is evil and lie vs. Truth and somehow I want them to see Him for who He is.

How can I share with my brother this grace? My full heart? It takes two to work together...two to share...yet how does one pour out from one half? Until empty. Until nothing is left, yet there is always something left because the Source is never ending. Love gives and love hopes and love bears all things. Love beholds ugly yet somehow sees beautiful.

And I understand.

I prayed for Him to show me how. Daily. To bless--to reach out. It starts now....from when I loved my brother as a little girl and have loved him until now. I want to gain his respect and be a blessing in his life....I want him to look back and remember me with love....and joy....and he may not always recognize it now, but maybe someday he'll stop and see.

I stare at the watch on man wrist and realize that he's passing from boyhood.

"Do you want to talk, or are you too tired?"

He mumbles from pillow as I rub shoulders, "I'd like to talk actually...we don't do this often.."

And the tears well up again and regret sneaks up and I see his soft side and love wells and I bite lip. We talk quietly.

"Melanie, you're room's so nice...and peaceful...and..." he looks for words and can't find what he's trying to say, but somehow I understand. My room is my haven where mortality meets Immortality and girl meets God and perhaps the Presence lingers? Maybe someday he'll see it's not me but he'll fully taste for himself what I know and lean on.

Lord, redeem the time. Not necessarily time I've wasted but time I've seen slip by in moments that I wish I could somehow fix and redeem though it's not my fault. But compassion yearns for wholeness and though I really can't, if only somehow I could just fix everything maybe it'd be better. Yet, I have a chance to somehow ease the burdens and help him see that all can be grace if he reaches out and looks up.

And I pray. And I reach out. And maybe as I plant and work the ground God will grant the increase in His timing. No moment serving is ever spent in vain for if I am doing unto the King, then it is just extra if He throws in fruit on earth I can see.

So I pray, Lord redeem the years. Continually fill, continually pour, continually stretch, refine, and grow. Show me. Show me how to sacrifice with joy and serve with full heart and love unconditionally every day of the year.

Love fights and love is long-suffering and Love gave everything. So let the Love in my heart show me how.

Lord, redeem the time.

Filled to Overflowing

2012-02-03T21:31:00.002-05:00

I was so thirsty~

Little girl. Working outside... "just one drink of water....please." But then having to wait longer, to keep working. I was supposed to toughen up....

Then after waiting, the cool glass in my hand...pure happiness. Gulping...draining...refreshed.

I was quietly listening to a song the other day when it dawned on me....the lyrics floated through the air as I sat on my window seat...soaking in the moment....

You lift me up; You'll never leave me thirsty,When I am weak, when I am lost and searchingI find You on my knees (Kari Jobe--"Find You On My Knees"

At this time last year, I was so thirsty. Feeling so drained....so hungry.

During that season, He kept leading me to verse after verse about water...how He would pour out His water....

Pour. Overflow.

His water; His Spirit. I don't think I quite grasped that at first. I just knew I was so dry and so thirsty and yearning for something more. Like a little flower pleading for a drop of rain.
And, yet, all along it had been right within my grasp....

Ah! Why have I been so emotional lately--actually, not so emotional...not anxious emotions...yet tears...rise...joy? Thankfulness? I am so full.....

Jesus answered and said to her, "If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water." --John 4:10

I'm afraid my friends must think me a rambler as I've shared lately...but there is a bubbling joy within I just can't keep from spilling out now and again. The more I quiet it the more it fights and pushes to burst forth and just......sing.

I've walked through the waves and droughts and all those things that just seem to strip you of life...and I've been so thirsty.

Yet....

(Wednesday night)

You know how you were talking about how the Lord convicted you of anxiety over the past couple months? How you have a tendency to be anxious?

I look at her...this new friend...new sister...I talked to her for the first time ever a few seconds ago--to share with her on her search for His truths as she had asked for prayer...on her search for wanting more of Him. Praying in a group does a lot to open eyes to see and hearts to know....and seek fellowship.

I...I mean, I never would have known...there is such a peace...from you....just as I was sitting beside you....there's no indication....

And I share. How my heart is so at peace right now and how's He's helped me, in hopes that perhaps it will serve her...that He can speak through me to share His blessings...how He's lavished Himself up on me (I don't deserve this!)....how this anxiety...my heart is guarded by His peace. There has been so little anxiety these past few weeks....serenity.

And here I go. Tears again.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, And whose hope is the LORD. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, Which spreads out its roots by the river, And will not fear when heat comes; But its leaf will be green, And will not be anxious in the year of drought, Nor will cease from yielding fruit. --Jeremiah 17:7-8

As He took me on this journey...of knowing Him intimately....as He is taking me on it, day by day...suddenly, I realize just how full I am. I'm so full. I have asked and sought and hungered and thirsted and I have been filled (Luke 11:9).

Filled with the comfort of a Spirit that is given abundantly. Filled to overflowing. Filled with Himself. I had to come to a point where I didn't want anything but Him alone. And how I hungered for Him.

I am so full.

Full of grace and full of love and full of things I don't understand. Full of yearning for more and full of contentment and full of a trust and serenity that is not man's doing...I can boast nothing. NOTHING. But then, why does He grant this to me? Because of the Son....my best Friend...my dearest, dearest Lover.

I am still thirsty, but it is a fulfilled thirst because I have found the Fountain of all delights.

Turning through marked pages that whisper memories and long nights and tell the stories of baby steps and learning love and seeking to know more...

How I was comforted by the words of Isaiah during those days....how much I learned from the Inspired Word...

...until the Spirit is poured upon us from on high, and the wilderness becomes a fruitful field, and the fruitful field is deemed a forest. Then justice will dwell in the wilderness, and righteousness abide in the fruitful field. And the effect of righteousness will be peace, and the result of righteousness, quietness and trust forever. My people will abide in peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places. --Isaiah 32:15-18

...For waters break forth in the wilderness, and streams in the desert; the burning sand shall become a pool, and the thirsty ground springs of water...--Isaiah 35:6b-7a

That which was thirsty is turned into a spring...the blessing flows forth...I am reminded of a quote...

In the October mist, eucharisteo [thanksgiving] opens the eyes, the heart, to the grace that falls upon us, a drop, a river, a waterfall of blessing filling our emptiness. It falls into the open hand and makes life a paradise again. We wonder: If eucharisteo has led us to let go and open the hand to receive all His shimmering river of gifts, how can we now close the hand?
If I close these fingers, try to hold, hoard the river—dam up the grace—won't the water grow stagnant? Long the children and I once looked at photos of the Dead Sea, and we read how the Jordan River streams into the sea and nothing flows out of the sea and the salt content rises and everything dies. I think of this. That fullness grows foul. Grace is alive, living waters. If I dam up the grace, hold the blessings tight, joy within dies…waters that have no life." (Voskamp, On Thousand Gifts, 184-185)

There is a page in my Bible where I marked all the verses about water He was showing me...so that I couldn't forget...

Thus says the LORD who made you, who formed you from the womb and will help you: Fear not, O Jacob My servant, Jeshurun whom I have chosen. For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour My Spirit upon your offspring, and My blessing on your descendants...--Isaiah 44:2-3

Isaiah 43:18-21
Isaiah 41:17-23
Isaiah 55:1
James 5:7-8
John 7:37
Revelation 7:16-17
Psalm 63:1
And the list goes on....

At that time I could cry out with David..."O God, You are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for You; my flesh faints for You, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water....(Psalm 63:1).

And now I can shout...rejoice...exult in "You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows..." (Psalm 23:5).

If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink. Whoever believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.' Now this He said about the Spirit, whom those who believed in Him were to receive, for as yet the Spirit had not been given, because Jesus was not yet glorified. --John 7:37-39

BUT...

He has been glorified now...and the Spirit has been poured out upon us?

Why? That we may pour out for others.

As I kneeled at my window seat and asked Him to pour me out...in that moment...the lyrics...I realized...He had filled me. I am now ready to be poured out. Why did I have to take so long to learn this? To learn that He's waiting to bless...waiting to spill out His love on those who ask....His love...is unfathomable.

He is awaiting, holding out that glass of water to our thirsty selves...He gives more than enough...that we may be refreshed...and then that we may spill out onto those around us. Breath of God...move through me....

Have you come to the Living Waters yet and let Him satisfy your thirsts for more? Have you realized, that all you will ever need is found in Him? Power is granted from on High through the Spirit--His Spirit-- He has promised that dwells within us....

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!--Luke 11:13

The very Spirit that lets me call Him my Daddy.

"Come, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters..." (Isaiah 55:1).

Come.

Blog Address Domain Change...

2012-02-01T10:46:00.002-05:00

Hey all,

Just a heads up that sometime within the next couple of weeks I will be switching to foreverhisservant.com vs. foreverhisservant.blogspot.com as my blog address. Just wanted to give a shout out for all my readers who do not follow through google.

Also, I'm hoping to do a little giveaway soon (free book from several options perhaps?...I mean, who doesn't like books?)...so stick around. :)

Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen. -Jude 24-25

In Him,
~Melanie

Conquering Emotions

2012-01-31T18:10:00.000-05:00

I can only speak for myself, but what I can say, I say in all honesty.
This young lady is prone to ride on waves of emotions.

And over the past couple months, the Lord gently convicted me about how easily I would become anxious, or worried. Both became bad when I'd fail to surrender and quiet those voices that spoke turmoil. I'd listen, feed, and allow them to churn until I was a puddle of emotions and tears.

And it was starting to climax around Christmas in certain areas...but then I heard a sermon titled "Fearless" by Eric Ludy and walked away pondering things I had not thought of before. Or should I say, really thought about before.

The Lord began to reveal to me the current of my emotions...the way they were reigning in my life. But it wasn't a "notice" revelation. It was a sweet, quiet, "Melanie; the next step, love."

When the Lord laid "quiet grace" as my two word prayer for this year, I was asking that He would instill within me a quiet grace. I was praying for a gentle and quiet spirit as a woman of the Lord...these were lessons I was learning--am learning.

I realized, as His daughter, I cannot be ruled by my emotions. Too often I would listen to myself. My fears. My anxieties. I'd forget to just stop, and....

listen.

I knew that as a single young woman this lesson would be important, and especially as a married young woman. I want to be a rock for my husband--someone He can lean on, and fully trust to rest in the Lord when cares would come. I knew that when I got married, I wanted to find my stability in the Lord....I could not be running on a day-by-day emotion meter and then expect to help share and carry my husband's cares and burdens. I needed to have a quiet spirit, resting in my Jesus. I wanted to be steady and firm in the Lord and my faith. What good is a young woman who worries and is anxious and always wringing her hands over the future?

The proverbs 31 woman laughs at the days to come.

So I prayed and asked that He'd teach me.
And oh! Though baby steps, I feel like He is....already.

I wanted to have reign over my emotions. Emotion are not bad--far from it...Jesus wept and laughed and taught and reprimanded and loved. But I wanted to be able to not be ruled by my emotions. Controlled by them.

It does begin with little steps. Like lying in bed and beginning to think and tear up. Then saying no to emotions. A whispered "Abba, quiet my heart. I will not worry; I will not try to figure it all out. You will lead. I will rest in you."

And oh, how I am learning what He really means when He declares the Holy Spirit as the Comforter. How I have pleaded for that Spirit to comfort and quiet my heart lately. And oh! How He has!

This grace! My heart is so empty, it's full. Maybe I getting this. Maybe.

As I count gifts and open eyes and begin to look around me, I'm beginning to see more of Him and His love. It's always been right here. He's in everything.

I say everything; I mean everything.

53. Choosing to give thanks for tomorrow--a full day--ah, but even fuller of God's grace.
54. Lost credit card
61. Fresh, sweet lettuce
63. A broken sibling
68. Mother encouraging son
74. Soft sweatshirt on weary face
77. Headaches that irritate
78. CLEP test dreaded
80. A peak into heaven:

82. Clouds that make me feel so small.

Walking today. Overwhelmed in His beauty. So small compared to my God. My insignificance...I shrink and shrivel in my humanness when next to His glory. His might.

83. Growth seen by a stranger, yet sister.

"I thank God for the wonderful gift of writing He has given you and the passion for Him that burns across the pages I read daily. I can see the change that has been taking place in your heart and in your life and I am encouraged and inspired. I thank God for all that He is teaching me through your journey. "

"If there's anything good, anything that's good in me...it must be You..must be You. If there's any part of my shaking heart to see this journey through, it must be You." ("It Must Be You" by Bart Millard). All glory to Him-it must be You, Lord. It must be You. Sometimes I wonder if I'm growing...if the work I feel He's doing in my heart is reaping any fruit and showing at all...I sigh and pray and hope that somehow I'll reflect Him that eyes may look up and behold what I treasure and live for...let them see Him. And this blessed my heart. He is so faithful to encourage....and I was blessed. Blessings.

All is grace. All is a gift. Even the hard things are beautiful....ugly transformed into beauty.

Hands open to accept. Willing to receive..somehow to pour the overflow out into the lives of others...to take the Gospel to the ends of the earth. Ends of earth meaning right here. Ends of earth meaning every person He brings in and out of my life....in His timing...for His glory....

Why has He given me this peace right now? This quietness? I do not have an answer! But how true these words ring for me at this time..."do not be anxious...but with prayer and supplication and thanksgiving let your requests be known to God...and the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus..."
The peace guards my heart. I got it! That's it! This peace feels like a wall ...it brings the tranquility of trust and faith that rests. It's protecting my heart from anxiety and worry because it breaks the anxiety and worry and brings them to the altar to die....
My tears are of acceptance with a joy not my own....though the why's of "I don't understand" aren't fully gone, there is a peace of not needing too. I accept with joy and all becomes a lens through which I can see Him. Anger magnifies His patience. Hurt shows how He heals. Past makes future brighter....sunrise brings new day to seek to know Him deeper, live fuller...surrender more. So I lay it down. I ask for grace...more grace. I am a sinner--how ugly is my wicked heart! How desperately I need a Savior...even today....the battles that rage within....how sweet is His forgiveness...like a Shepherd He leads us (1 Peter 2:25).

Restlessness and impatience change nothing except our peace and joy. Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has all things safely in His hands. ~Elisabeth Elliot

I laugh. Full, joyful laugh. I knew I had a couple quotes tucked away in a draft in my inbox. Didn't remember what they were about, but had saved them when I first read them because I loved them. This one just met my eyes. He is so faithful; so gracious. Why am I surprised?

May He truly quiet you with his love....and still your heart with Himself as you seek Jesus...seek to know and grow in Him. I'm learning these lessons...slowly...learning.
Slowly.
So much grace...Lord, I'm so full.

blessed pilgrimage~

2012-01-29T20:27:00.000-05:00

This life; this path; this journey.

I am reminded of Pilgrim's Progress where they are walking on the path surrounded by fields of beauty...and trees...yet they must remain on the path. I am looking ahead at this path; the warm dirt underneath my feet...the tranquility of wind on grass and light on rocks.
Life is a path. A path with one, ultimate purpose. The glory of God our Savior.

My heart is so full right now. I do not know that I have ever felt so at peace...and there is no special reason that I should due to circumstances. But as I see God working in things around me...in my own heart...I am overwhelmed with a quietness I cannot, truly cannot explain. My heart is so full. Overflowing. Grace. Life is so full of grace.

Tonight I was weary so I decided to just spend time in God's word. I figured I'd read several books of the Bible and began in 1 Peter. I didn't make it past chapters 1 and 2. I just began to journal the beautiful verses and the sacred meaning wrapped within the inspired words.

His abundant mercy. This living hope. This incorruptible and undefiled and unfading inheritance that awaits the sojourners on this earth who are pressing onwards towards home. (vs. 3-5)

And how am I kept? By the power of God through faith.

My heart is overwhelmed. I have fought to find words to express this inward state of my heart right now and lately. I think it is this--that I am being kept and held and treasured and refined by a God I cannot fathom yet somehow grasp and know intimately yet is so full of knowledge and wisdom and incredible Might and Power that it just pulls worship from me. I am kept. By Him.

I can greatly rejoice that this testing of my faith is so that it may show its reliance on the Father....it is being strengthened and refined that it may persevere until the end all with one purpose...yes, that one purpose...praise, honor and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ. (vs. 6-7)

This is simply a pilgrimage. I have not seen The End, yet I know It. I believe; I rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory in this Salvation. (vs. 8-9).

"Though I have not seen Him, my heart knows Him well....
Soon and very soon, my King is coming..."
(Hillsong)

On this journey, I am to strengthen my mind in Him, and rest my hope... where? Fully upon grace. How? As an obedient child. I am to seek to be like Him. (vs. 13-14)

Have I forgotten that He has walked this path before me? Is that what makes it so difficult at times? Is this the knowledge that fills my heart to bursting and causes me to slip smiles throughout the day quietly, sweetly? Is this the secret to my peaceful joy within?

I am to be holy, as He is holy. I can only do this when I mark how He travailed this path before I ever did...when I see His footprints, His fingerprints, His blood.

I am to conduct my stay here in fear--the holy fear; the fear of the Lord that is the beginning of all wisdom. To seek justice and love mercy and walk humbly with my God. I am just a pilgrim on this earth. I am just a traveler in this barren wasteland that fades in comparison to that which awaits me--you...His child. (vs. 17)

Yet, we have just touched the surface. The real joy?
Just as I am not part of a earth that dies forever...an earth that contains the one thing that separates humans from dust...I was not bought with something perishable either. I was bought for a price that cannot be measured by any human mind. I was bought by the precious blood of Christ, as oaf a a lamb without blemish and without spot. My faith and hope are in Him. (vs. 18-21)

There is one map to living this life...walking this journey and seeing the Heavenly City...His word...and I am to seek this word as a baby seeks milk...for life...if I have tasted that the Lord is gracious. (2:3).

And oh! How I have tasted His grace.

But I am not to just walk this pilgrimage as a sojourner with a map that will lead me home. Along the way I am to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ as He is molding me to be built in this spiritual house with the Chief Cornerstone who is elect and precious. I cannot be counted worthy to join Him as a Child of the God of Heaven. And yet, I am. (2:4-7)

Oh goodness, do you grasp this? Right now?! My heart swells! We are His own special people. We are to offer Him sacrifices of praise...
For me, right now, it comes back to "counting gifts."

Now is a time to give Him glory by counting it all joy. By letting steadfastness have its full effect.
By walking as a pilgrim on this earth...

Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,Whose heart is set on pilgrimage. -Psalm 84:5

My gaze is set ahead. My heart is home. I am walking this path with quiet joy and praying for daily grace and realizing that it is never in my own strength. I am kept by faith in the power of God and I am treasured as His Daughter and refined as gold and my heart is overwhelmed and I have no words.

So I walk on.

"All I know is I'm not home yet; this is not where I belong...
Take this world and give me Jesus,
This is not where I belong."
- Song "Where I Belong" by Building 429

~tender

2012-01-27T21:46:00.001-05:00

here

Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

Tender.

go:

Tender. How can one word cause tears to well up in my eyes...this yearning feeling in my heart. Tender. The caress I long for as a little girl; touching my face; smoothing my hair away from questioning eyes and clasping me close...swinging me 'round and round in a Father-Daughter dance. The strong arms that will one day sweep me off my feet. Tender. The whispered "I love you." Tender. The eyes that looked on Peter when He was betrayed and the man said "no" and the cock crowed thrice. Tender. A tiny flower shooting forth from broken earth and reaching for the sky; tended by a Gardener, fertilizer, water, rain, soaked. Healing. Tender. The smile on a mother's face as she hugs her baby close. The look exchanged between two lovers, dear. The quiet cool evening breezes that seem to caress my face in the silent shadows of the night as I stare at the stars. His breath of love over a quiet and sleeping world. Tenderness is love. Love that abides within hearts seeking Him. Compassion that began in the Heart of Existence. It is the action that goes farther than words and reaches out to those who are falling and encourages those who are seeking and answers those who are knocking for something more. It is love.

stop.

humility-soli deo gloria

2012-01-25T11:30:00.000-05:00

This falling.

To be higher, one must be brought lower.

Slowly sinking....

...to grow.

It's gravity.

A seed sinks into the dark earth, going deeper and deeper, and then grows upwards and blossoms. The deeper it's roots, the stronger the plant. And perhaps, the even more beautiful.

So our hearts must go down...to a posture of utter nothingness...to show beauty, to bear His fruits.

Humility.

"That word humility itself comes from the Latin root humus--the kind of earth that grows good crops." (Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, 170)

"I shake my head, half smile...the funny thing? The moment I try to grasp for humility, she's gone. Speak of humility, shine a light shaft on it, and she's shadow-gone in the dark. 'Humility is shy,' writes Tim Keller. If I focus on humility, I look inward to assess if I'm sufficiently humble, and in the very act, humility darts and I'm proud, self-focused. It doesn't work. But what humbles like an extravagant gift? And hadn't I felt that joy of small, child-wonder when I paused to give thanks?" (Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, 171-172)

We all quote it so often. Soli Deo Gloria. But do we really understand?

This cultivating gratitude...this heart seeking to praise Him...do we really see that it is all for His glory alone? We see blessings, and good things, and victories, and the "ugly-graces" and try to give thanks...
But why are we giving thanks?

To bring Him glory.

That's my anthem. Seeing Him work this in my heart--slowly planting this seed...digging the hole deeper and deeper.....has been a long process. But I'm seeing it...as it's going on within me. Not a work of myself--but another gift...another gift.
*writes in journal...
48. planted seeds

And as I look back, just over this past week, my eyes gaze on written words. There are stories behind each one. It swells my heart, to look back, and remember. To stop in this rush of life and ponder.

15, A virgin girl who surrendered. Someone mentioned Mary to me and I was thinking and pondering on her more than normal that day. How I truly want to be like her....and so much more. Only by grace.

16. Sun on water. I was driving home from piano lessons. The tall bridge I pass over every week...glanced over it's sides and my breath was stolen. Water like glass reflecting sunset. The water was on fire...orange, red...melted everything else from my gaze. I closed my eyes to capture the memory.

20. heart-warming laughter. The laughter that leaves me feeling refreshed. And joyful. So rare. So thankful.

23. Laughter over a cookie. My little sister's eagerness as she points to dad that she gets to have a cookie. Squeals of delight. It left a mark in my memory. I don't want to forget those moments.

27. First kiss, safe, treasured. Was reading a book, tears welled up, and I was reminded once again how it is only by God's grace that I still have my first kiss. Is that not true for all of us? It is only by His grace as we journey down this path of seeking His heart...I am so thankful.

29. Birds silhouetted against grey sky. Quiet devotions on the porch Saturday morning. Peaceful rain. Cool air. Job. Psalm 139. Contentment.

35. My own inadequacy. Writing and realizing I am so inadequate. Only He can lead. Only He can work through me. Nothing in my hands I bring; simply to the cross I cling. Realizing that in my own inadequacies...my weaknesses...His strength is made perfect. Praise Him.

38. Swinging clasped hands. Walking out of a restaurant with my little sister. The rest of the family is going to my brother's basketball game; we are going home. She slips her hand into mine, and begins swinging our hands back and forth, a smile painted across her child lips. We come to the curb, and, of course we jump. Together. Two little girls. Enjoying the beauty of the moment.

41. Warm sun on window glass. Feeling tired. Waiting until I can print something off the computer downstairs. My brother's on his CP! coaching call. I walk quietly to the sliding glass door, pull the blinds apart and the warm sun hits my weary face. My hands gently touch the glass as I soak in the sunlight.

42. Doctor's Appointments. Again, His strength is made perfect in my weakness. So thankful. So thankful.
When my body is weak, my heart is strengthened in His love and care.

46. Smell of spring. Stepping on threshold and the fresh air hitting my face. Crickets, cool breeze...so much like spring. Memories. I literally was transported to our back porch in Colorado on spring evenings. Then the smell of steaks on the grill. It could not have gotten more authentic. My heart was full.

All these things...I'm remembering them so that He may be glorified. I want my anthem to be He must be glorified. He must increase, but I must decrease.
Eric Ludy once preached a sermon where he said something to the extent that he thinks often times people twist this verse into "I must increase, so that He may increase."

No! Oh, Abba! Please, let this never be true of me. How deceitful is the human heart. Please, work within me a heart that desires nothing but Your glory.

In these moments of reverie, let me stop and remember. Lord, cultivate within me a humble heart. I truly do not want anything but to see You lifted up, exalted, honored, and glorified. With all my heart. Please slay any desire within me that seeks anything else.

Teach me true humility.

Soli Deo Gloria.

49. Peas, white rice, and butter. The one "comfort" dish mom's made for me whenever I've had a messed up tummy. Right now, it tastes wonderful.

starkness turned beauty

2012-01-20T10:04:00.004-05:00

I look out my window at the cold grey morning. I can almost touch it. Touch the grey. The clouds. Touch the green of the firs, the brown of the naked trees stretching hands to touch the sky in their barrenness.

My heart beats faster as I read His writing. Scribbled on a page years ago by mortal man inspired by a Holy, Omniscient God.
Job.
He loved the Lord.
How does my God know everything I need?
What a silly question.
~
She opens the door...
"Right on time as always." A bright smile, her apron showing signs of work....she looks deep in my eyes; I glance at the floor.
"How are you, sweetie?"
My heart ponders His works. This gratitude. This stirring. I look up.
"I am doing good--thank you!" A quiet smile fills my heart.
"Really? Good!....That's good..." she adds quietly.

I come up after the lesson.
We're talking about her daughter....
And somehow we come back to,
"How is life for you right now? How is everything?"
I whisper. Quietly.
"I'm alright."
How can I explain this peaceful, joyful, ache?

A seasoned mother's knowing tone.

"I wondered. I could sense a heaviness on your soul at caregroup last night."

Could sense? You mean she noticed the quiet tears welling up in my eyes I sought to hide and allow to dissolve away into the air as verses were read that ministered to my soul and my hands lifted during lyrics to the songs that filled my heart with a cry to that Higher Ear who listens to my every whisper? She noticed?
My heart was full that night. Full of Him. But it was still aching too.

We had never talked on things like this before. Yet she talks to me. Sweetly encouraging. I feel His urge to just listen.

"Remember Job, Melanie."

She does not know our situation. She does not understand. Yet He can tell her to remind me of Job.

Job. The man whom I had read about that morning. The man whom I had read about and cried: Lord, this heart--make it my own. That I may cry with thanksgiving: "The Lord has given, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

"Do you remember his testimony and how the Lord loved him?"

Yes, oh yes. I remember. How can I forget? The quiet words He had spoken to me in the morning twilight.

"He knew Job's love for Him; his committed, faithful heart. And what did He say to the enemy of His children?"

It was echoing in my heart before the words left her lips.

"Have you considered my servant Job?"

She stops quietly.

"Sweet girl, your life is a testimony. Now you have a chance to bring God glory through difficult circumstances."

Bring Him glory. Her emphasis.

To glorify Him.

At the table of thanksgiving we find our joy.

All she says ties into what I've been learning. And I share.

We can take the "ugly-beautiful" (Voskamp) and allow it to glorify Him when we turn to Him with lips and hearts full of Thanksgiving...and praise Him for it.

It's making sense. This message He keeps stirring within my soul.

Then she looks deep; loves through the two feet between us; whispers as tears well in my eyes:

"Have you noticed my servant Melanie?"

Oh. If only my heart was that committed. That my Abba would look at the one who is waging war against Him and say,

"I have a daughter who is wholly committed to me. Destroy everything around her, only spare her life. She will not turn away from me."

She pauses; I fight tears; I lean on grace; she continues.

"Now is the time for you to bring Him glory; you are. Whether you realize it or not.
Press on. Remember His promises; rest in His lovingkindness."

Lovingkindness. It sounds so much like His "grace gifts." She repeated that word several times, and I pondered it's meaning.

"Don't doubt how He feels towards you. Take these things and sweet girl, bring Him glory."

I ponder. Only He can guide one who knows so little about our situation to speak right to my heart. Mom was right. She is discerning. And she was willing to be a vessel in His hands..for His purposes...and in that moment, I was blessed.

~
The clouds.

What was it I read this morning?

"...our perennial spiritual and psychological task is to look at things familiar until they become unfamiliar again." G. K. Chesterton

I sit on the floor like a little girl, elbows on window seat, book in hand. Stare at the grey. The pasty, chalky grey painted across the sky. I stare at the clouds.

This is one of the secrets to enjoying Him more. Looking at things familiar until they become unfamiliar again.
The clouds take on a whole new meaning. They are no longer just one mass of grey. They are individual layered whisps hanging in atmosphere; floating and blowing at speeds I know not above creation that is longing for the beauty that will not decay.

I stare. I stare hard.
And they slowly morph into a soft pink. The sun. Behind the clouds...I can't see the Sun, but I can see the results of it's warm rays. Something so cold and grey suddenly turns so warm and soft. So beautiful.

~

To never be irritable. To just shine glory.
I'm ashamed so often. Ashamed I have nothing wiser to share, nothing more encouraging, nothing but plain simple words of a learning heart.
My prayer..that someday, this "poor lisping, stammering tongue" may have more to offer to the world.
I look to heaven this morning.
I cry out.
"Here I am! Use me!"
"Are You using me Father? Do not let me sit idle when there is work for me to do! What would You ask of me? I am willing."
~

The grey of the clouds morphs to pink. I finish reading. Job. Thanksgiving. Brokenness. Prayer.
And I look to the sky?

And the blue has come forth. Covered in morning clouds.

in a world of hurt~

2012-01-19T11:18:00.000-05:00

gratitude.

It's what He's been stirring in my soul lately and revealing that I lack immensely.

I want to have a heart of gratitude.

I'm currently reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp...and I think, oh, I think, dear reader, that it shall change my life.

I want to see the beauty in moments.
In sparkling eyes, in radiant smiles.

In "sissy, don't be mad. I just trying to be funny to you."

In my brother dancing around with my Bible in hand as I try to get it from him. Watching him laugh...a little boy once again...for just a moment...a fleeting moment.

I've taken the challenge.
1,000 blessings.

2. a little girl with wisps of hair hanging loose
...
4. crushed berry juices dancing on tongue
...
8. streams of honey running through peanut butter brown
...
10. the way a nation lays in His hands

I've missed it. Never really pondered I am given life. As I'm writing in an article for Debu right now about all this:

Ihad never pondered the fact that I “get” to live. I have hardly ever jumped outof bed with excitement looking at the day head. I have been dictated bycircumstances, have succumbed to temptations, and allowed myself to sink intomelancholy. Trials have clouded myvision from what is awaiting me.

Life is a gift. It is all orchestrated by the Hand that is so much greater than mine.

He commands us to give thanks. He gave thanks at the last supper before He died.

before He died.

In the original language 'He gave thanks' reads 'eucharisteo'....The root word of eucharisteo is charis, meaning 'grace.' Jesus took the bread and saw it as grace and gave thanks. He took the bread and knew it to be a gift and gave thanks. But there is more, and I read it. Eucharisteo, thanksgiving, envelopes the Greek word for grace, charis. But it also holds its derivative, the Greek word chara, meaning 'joy.' Joy. Ah...yes....

I breathe deep, like a sojourner finally coming home. That has always been the goal of the fullest life--joy. And my life knew exactly how elusive that slippery three-letter word, joy, can be....I longed for more life, for more holy joy....

That's what I was struggling out of nightmares to reach, to seize. Joy. But where can I seize this holy grail of joy? I look back down to the page. What is the clue to the quest of all most important? Deep chara joy is found only at the table of the euCHARisteo--the table of thanksgiving. (Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, 32-33)

The very bread which signified His broken body. The body that would be mangled only a few hours later until it was no longer recognizable.

And He gave thanks.

At the table of thanksgiving we find joy.

To give thanks in all things...

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. --1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Rejoice in all things?
Give thanks in all circumstances?

I read things like this and my heart aches:

Dear Melanie, I love your blog so much! I'm having such a struggle right now. My dad has cancer and we found yesterday that one of the tumors, the main one, has grown 2 sizes. Please Pray for us. Your blog gives me such love for God, Keep writing.

What am I to say to this girl--this sister I've never met--the one I would love to slip my arms
around right now in a hug...and just hold close for a moment...whisper God's promises...remind her to wait and rest in Him as my heart aches with hers?

Tell her to rejoice?

What about the friend whose dad has unidentified severe back pain?
Or the sweet sister who has an abusive father?
Or the mother whose baby was just diagnosed with Down Syndrome and will have to have
three heart surgeries? Told all this--before the sweet one even leaves her womb.
Or to the friend who lost her mom to cancer?

Rejoice? I look to the throne and say, "Abba, no I can't."
Yet He says I must.

How? I cry as I look to heaven. How in this world of broken families, bleeding hearts, deep darkness, and diseases that eat away at the body both physically and spiritually? How when my heart bursts into tears as I imagine arms of orphans, starving and hungry for love, running into mine as I visit their countries....my heart breaks. How when I am surrounded daily by the cries of people who are dying within?

How?

But then I realize...

"for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Did I forget already that everything is a gift? A hidden blessing?

I have grown up with many things in the past that I could bring before people with cries of "tell me why. I don't understand." I've had the storms that people say can not be from the Lord...a loving God...

But have you realized, friend, that everything beautiful, first starts in darkness?

A baby in a mothers womb.
A seed in the dark earth.
A black night; an open tomb.
A blind soul wrapped in darkness, made to see the Light.

I can testify, with a mouth of broken praise--that is still learning these things for herself, still walking through things she does not understand, still going through flaming fires and deep waters--that God does work all things together for the good of those who love Him. It is His good and perfect will, because God takes every dark day and uses it for His glory, and His purposes that we can't always see in our mortality.

He empties us, to fill us. He let's us walk through darkness, that we may see His beauty all the more clearly. He calls us to rejoice in all circumstances, because the testing of our faith produces steadfastness.

When trials like the above occur, whether lifetimes of pain or seasons of difficulties, it is then that God takes our faith and asks, "Do you really believe? Can you really trust Me? Will you
give Me your heart with abandon?"

Bear with me as I quote select pieces of these pages from One Thousand Gifts:

Every step I take forward in my life is a loss of something in my life and I live the waiting: How and of what will I be emptied today?....

What in the world, in a world of certain loss, is grace?

And the more of the blessings I name, this theological problem deepens, the kind that manifests itself between the breakfast table and last light out. If I am numbering gift moments to one thousand and now beyond--what moments in my life count as blessings? If I name this moment as a gift, grace, what is the next moment? Curse? How do you know how to sift through a day, a life, and rightly read the graces, rightly ascertain the curses?

What is good? What counts as grace? What is the heart of God?

Do I believe in a God who rouses Himself just now and then to spill a bit of benevolence on hemorrhaging humanity? A God who breaks through the carapace of this orb only now and then, surprises us with a spared hand, a reprieve from sickness, a good job and a nice house in the burbs--and then finds Himself again too impotent to deal with all I see as suffering and evil? A God of sporadic, random, splattering goodness--that now and then splatters across a gratitude journal?....(85, 86)

...every moment is a message from The Word-God who can't stop writing His heart.

But who can read His messages?

To read His message in moments, I'll need to read His passion on the page; wear the lens of the Word, to read His writing in the world. Only the Word is the answer to rightly reading the world, because The Word has nail-scarred hands that cup our face close, wipe away the tears running down, has eyes to look deep into our brimming ache, and whisper, "I know. I know." The passion on the page is a Person, and the lens I wear of the Word is not abstract idea but the eyes of the God-Man who came and knows the pain.

How does the Word read the world? (86, 87)

I stand in our bedroom by the window and hold a card to the light. I can hardly now make out the water-splat words of Isaiah 14:24, "Surely, just as I have intended so it has happened, and just as I have planned so it will stand" (NASB). As God plans...so it stands....

And I feel it again today and I breathe: A good God plans everything. Everything. So a good God can only...make plans for good? He only gives good gifts? A thing of evil cannot be created by a good God?....

From the bedroom window, I watch a shadow move across the lawn, move out long across our wheat fields. That is what a shadow is, an empty space, a hole in the light. Evil is that--a hole in the goodness of God. Evil is all that lacks the goodness of God, a willful choice to turn away from the full goodness of God to that empty of His goodness. I watch the grey shadows slink away over the hill, the sun driving them east.

All God makes is good. Can it be that, that which seems to oppose the will of God actually is used of Him to accomplish the will of God? That which seems evil only seems so because of perspective, the way the eyes see the shadows. Above the clouds, light never stops shining.

But what perspective sees good in dead farm boys, good in a little girl crushed under tires of a truck right in front of her mother's eyes, good in a brother-in-law who buries his first two sons in the space of nineteen months--and all the heinous crimes and all the weeping agony and all the scalding burn of this world? ...I hear the echo, truth words whispering down time's cavern, words that Julian of Norwich heard:

"See that I am God. See that I am in everything. See that I do everything. See that I have never stopped ordering my works, nor ever shall, eternally. See that I lead everything on to the conclusion I ordained for it before time began, by the same power, wisdom and love with which I made it. How can anything be amiss?"

Perspective--how we see.

And how should anything be amiss? I can see her name on that stone, five letters of my little sister named "loved one," and I won't shield God from my anguish by claiming He's not involved in the ache of this world and Satan prowls but he's a lion on a leash and the God who governs all can be shouted at when I bruise, and I can cry and I can howl and He embraces the David-hearts who pound hard on His heart with their grief and I can moan deep that He did this--and He did.

I feel Him hold me--a flailing child tired in Father's arms.

And I can hear Him soothe soft, "Are your ways My ways, child? Can you eat My manna, sustain on My mystery? Can you believe that I tenderly, tirelessly work all for the best good of the whole world--because My flame of love for you can never, ever be quenched?"(88, 89)

I dare flip the cue card over and I make out words on the back side, "See now that I, I am He, and there is no god besides Me; It is I who put to death and give life. I have wounded and it is I who heal" (Deuteronomy 32:39 NASB). I nod. I know. I know. And these truth words reconfigure the battlefield under my feet.

I grip the card and I know all our days are struggle and warfare (Job 14:14) and that the spirit-to-spirit combat I endlessly wage with Satan is this ferocious thrash for joy. He sneers at all the things that seem to have gone hideously mad in this sin-drunk world, and I gasp to say God is good. The liar defiantly scrawls his graffiti across God's glory, and I heave to enjoy God...and Satan strangles, and I whiten knuckles to grasp real truth and fix that beast to the floor.

It's just that the eyes are bad--my perspective. "Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body," Jesus said. "When your eyes is good, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. and if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!" (Matthew 6:22-23). If Satan can keep my eyes from the Word, my eyesight is too poor to read light--to fill with light. Bad eyes fill with darkness so heavy the soul aches because empty is never truly empty; empty is only a full, deepening darkness. So this is what it is to be. Eve in the Garden, Satan's hiss tickling the ear, "Did God actually say...?" (Genesis 3:1 ESV). (90, 91)

That's why, friends, when trials come, we must dive into the riches of His word. We can't view the world and have any remote understanding of the things going on around us unless we look through the glassy windows of an omniscient God's handwriting.

Without God's Word as a lens, the world warps. (91)

And it warps into the dying people, the cuts, the drugs, the brokenness. The orphaned children, the abused wives, the angry people boiling within angry hearts of bitterness.

"[The family who's boy just died] accepts. God meant it this way."

I shake my head, shake off disbelief, shake off this weight pressing hard on the chest.

They can whisper it in the dead boy's house too?

God's grace, God's grace.

The unwavering faith of fissured hearts that stand in funeral parlors looks in the eyes of those offering condolences and speaks it with sure voices, "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord" (Job 1:21 NKJV). (92)

Who deserves any grace? (93)

Who deserves another day to live and laugh and love again, to smile, to nod, to hug, to share, to cry, to wonder...who deserves another grace gift? Why don't we ask ourselves this?

When I realize that it is not God who is in my debt but I who am in His great debt, then doesn't all become gift? (94)

Remember what I said about how beautiful things begin in darkness? (Mrs. Voskamp pointed this out...):

All new life labors out of the very bowels of darkness...(96)

It is suffering that has the realest possibility to bear down and deliver grace.

And grace that chooses to bear the cross of suffering overcomes that suffering.

My pain, my dark--all the world's pain, all the world's dark--it might actually taste sweet to the tongue, be the genesis of new life?

Yes. And emptiness itself can birth the fullness of grace because in the emptiness we have the opportunity to turn to God, the only begetter of grace, and there find all the fullness of joy.

So God transfigures all the world?

Darkness transfigures into light, bad transfigures into good, grief transfigures into grace, empty transfigures into full. God wastes nothing--"makes everything work out according to his plan" (Ephesians 1:11). (97)

And here is the key. The heart. And in this I rejoice.

What in the world, in all this world, is grace?

I can say it certain now: All is grace.

I see through the woods of the world: God is always good and I am always loved.

God is always good and I am always loved.

Everything is eucharisteo.

Because eucharisteo is how Jesus, at the Last Supper, showed us how to transfiure all things--take the pain that is given, give thanks for it, and transform it into a joy that fulfills all emptiness. I have glimpsed it: This, the hard eucharisteo. The hard discipline to lean into the ugly and whisper thanks to transfigure it into beauty. The hard discipline to give thanks for all things at all times because He is all good. The hard discipline to number the griefs as grace because as the surgeon would cut open my son's finger to heal him, so God chooses to cut into my ungrateful heart to make me whole.

All is grace only because all can transfigure....

I wear the lens of the Word and all the world transfigures into the Beauty of Christ and everything is eucharisteo. (100-101)

All is grace. All. I had to read this chapter twice to understand the depths of what it was saying. To grasp it with my heart. To believe.

To give thanks.........

11. chaos of bird's melodies
13. felt clouds in the early sunrise

.......in everything.

In a world of hurt, I can truly live a life of "giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Ephesians 5:20)

He is good. All is grace.

When will we see with open eyes...

2012-01-18T13:28:00.001-05:00

A brief message from the President of Gospel for Asia.

To receive a free copy of his book Revolution in World Missions, click here: Revolution in World Missions

This book was incredible.
And so is this ministry.

pensées rêveuses

2012-01-15T21:19:00.000-05:00

It all makes so much sense out here. The fresh air hits my warm face and refreshes my heart.
I walk on.

The quiet song. The blue, oh-so-blue sky. The cotton candy clouds on the sea blue heavens...the golden sunset blazing..the silhouettes of the mountains...the same mountains I've seen almost every day for the past six years of my life.

I meander down the street. Cold wind. I tuck my hands in my hoodie pocket, and close my eyes. This must be a taste of heaven. The peace. The smell of the pine bushes...I'm transported back into the recesses of my mind.

I worship. My hands open...my arms reach out...so in love. Crying out to Him.

I walk back. I sit on the rope swing and close my eyes. The only thing I can truly feel is the air on my skin as I sway. Back and forth. Back and forth.
Tears.

Silently kneeling in the grass....the suns rays lighting my face as it fades into a memory of today. Hands uplifted. A prayer for grace.

But the feeling greets me once again as I open the door to go back inside. The silent tick of the clock seems like the pounding of a taiko drum from a foreign land. The tile floor's cold greets more than my socked feet...it meets my heart. The heaviness. The gloomy grey hanging in the air. The darkness....

The door shuts behind me.

-

"Believe in yourself"

I'm told to believe in myself. By a world that is lost. By the same spirit that first whispered to Eve, "You will be like God..."

No.

I chose the different road. But as I ponder it all, I meet it.

It?

This season of feeling I have given up so much. So much I could hold dear, everything I might dream of.
Silent. Dormant. Hibernating in a distance country...out of my sight...away from my view...
Yet, He loved me enough to show me this is the way.

I have to let go...to walk through this season. The greys cloud my understanding...the bleak surroundings make my heart ache. Yet it is all part of His plan.

Humility.

I have to learn that I can not depend on anything but His hand. Even when all I may see is His shadow, He is still with me.

I know just a few people who are truly humble; yet who am I to say that...one so often swimming in her own pride...who am I to say who is humble and who is not?

Yet, when I see those who are characterized by true humility, one thing stands out.

Jesus.

They make themselves nothing...giving Him everything...that He may be exalted. They have learned through hardship and trial, through the romance of life with Him...the joys of serving Him...that life is indescribable when He is lifted up and "I am nothing."

These few will go far. They do not seek self-exultation. They will become the legendary heroes who so few know about, but who have the greatest impact in eternity. They will be like the heroes who did not make much of themselves, but made much of the kingdom. Amy Carmichael. Jim Elliot. Esther Ahn Kim. They did not plaster pictures of themselves around the world. They did not seek glory and fame in their service. It was in their very humility that they were some of the greatest agents in His hand. I would argue that the humblest of men are those who are then made into the boldest of men. How so, you say? Because they have realized their limitations. They have come face to face with the reality that they can do nothing of worth--are of no true worth--unless they are in His hands. He loves them. He gave all for them. And so, in response to His grace that called them, they seek to give Him all. In acknowledging their weakness, they find their power in the Spirit alone. They are bold, because they are not speaking or acting in their own strength. They are working and serving and proclaiming in His.

Humility.

"It is just this tremendous awareness of our utter nothingness as we come face-to-face with God" (Lloyd-Jones, Studies in the Sermon on the Mount, 40).

I must become nothing.

I walk up the steps...the carpet giving underneath my feet. He chose me...for some crazy, unfathomable reason. He loves me. He offers life freely. He smiles. I want to smile like He smiles. To learn to live as He desires me to. To love as He loves.

To be an emptied vessel. "We cannot be filled until we are first empty" (33).

Then continuing empty me, Lord Jesus.

Let this time continue until I am ready for more, ready for the next step of surrender, ready for new trials and blessings.

My heart grows warm. Meditating on Him. Loving Him.
But it's not me.
It's all an act of grace.
Sweet grace.
I surrender.

awake.

2012-01-14T00:17:00.000-05:00

I originally saw this idea here and fell in love. May start doing this every Friday. So simple...yet so truly from the heart.

"For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not." where it began

The word for these ponderings: awake

go.

Each day I "awake"....awake to Him, awake to His love. Storms rumble...quiet grey clouds...yet I can awake anew to Him and all He brings to my life. Morning by morning, His tender mercies are new...fresh...bringing joy to my heart. Wet dew, refreshing sweetness. Each moment of the day, when I am weary and broken, I can awake. Awake to Him. To His call...His comforting hand. Nothing ever changes...He is ever the same.
Each day I awake to a new start...a new beginning.
As I grow older...new emotions...new struggles...new times of surrender.
As I watch the years flying past...moments gone I'll never be able to get back...I awake to the reality that each moment spent is one that is never retrieved again. Oh, may He teach me to number my days, that I may gain a heart of wisdom. Sole pursuit...single passion...awakening to the new lessons, the new testings...the new understanding of who He is. Awakening to new desires in my heart I don't understand...passions for His glory...unable to be expressed in words. Yearning for Him.
Our hearts were dead and cold before He called us. We were lost and in need of something...someone...the Truth...the Life. But He calls us to come and die. To die to live. Once we have laid dormant in the soil of His workings, then we awake to the Sun...the rays that give us life..that we are called to reflect...we can worship Him through the fruits that are produced.
The beauty of awakening to the dawn. Awakening to the new things He is doing in our hearts. This is beauty. Awakening to the overwhelming feelings of awe.

stop.

but I trust...not my will...

2012-01-13T12:50:00.001-05:00

I should have many beautiful words to type out here, but they seem to fly away in this moment. The past couple days I have started multiple drafts and left without motive or incentive to finish them.

So much is going on within the workings of my heart lately. Sometimes I feel like these baby steps push me ahead two years in life or something...as if I'm on a bridge and suddenly that crisp, cold puff of wind comes and shocks my body throwing me off balance...but then dissolves into the warm goosebumps and laughter.

Been writing for Debu lately..the posts are within just waiting to be typed, which is always a blessing. Much of the time I seem to enjoy writing more when the words flow from a thought process or pondering already considered, rather than having to sit down and "decide" what to write....though I don't know if I hardly ever necessarily "decide" previous to sitting down exactly what I'm going to write...it just sorta seems to flow...

Melodies. Snowflakes. Soft rain.
Laughter. Little Ones. Baking.
Tears. Sighs. Surrender.
Hot tea, hot tea, and....hot tea.

Though feeling down a bit lately, the Lord has been helping me come and say "but I trust."

Sometimes I can list all the things that are making me anxious...and then I ask quietly, "Where are You. Abba?"

But lately, when my heart begins to sink and whisper those words...these four stand:

...but I trust You.

So often I imagine sitting at my Abba's feet or Him holding me close...caressing me as a father would...but lately, I've been realizing that though, yes, He does hold me close and carry me, the real restoration and comforting He does is within the depths of my heart and spirit.

It is comforting to have someone hold you when you're crying. Sometimes I ache for that. But I'm beginning to see that His restoration goes much deeper.

When I lack joy, He instills it within me.
When I ache, the Comforter calms me.
When I cry and lack faith, He cries with me and reminds me of His promises.
When I question, He answers.
When I'm confused, He helps me "be still."
When He tells me to trust....He helps me trust.

Three words I have been praying and whispering from the depths of my soul these past weeks. Desperately, passionately, and pleadingly.

Not my will.

As I look behind, at the present, and before me, I am filled with questions, restlessness, and worries. I am so prone to try and work it all out in my head--just to know--to have that "security" of knowing the future...what He has in store for me...what He wants me to do...how I am to serve...into what, where, and how I am to invest my time that will best prepare me for His will and fulfill His purposes for me in those present moments also, and so many other things.

Yet the sweetest thing--I am learning this--is never my will. The sweetest thing is His will.

Though I may whisper "not my will," my head may not always be behind it. But my heart is. I may be screaming within for one way, yet I know deep down that His will is best...and that is what I want and why the cry "not my will" comes from my lips. Oh! To be surrendered. Tranquil and willing. This is my prayer...

Back to "quiet grace."

Courageous peace.

Determined gentleness.

I have one, sole pursuit. It is my Lord.

So I say, "I trust You." So I cry on my knees when my heart battles within me, "Not my will, but Yours." So I say, when my heart is broken and aching "You are faithful."

For He is. And always will be.

You are my portion, O LORD;
         I have said that I would keep Your words.
I entreated Your favor with my whole heart;
         Be merciful to me according to Your word.
I thought about my ways,
         And turned my feet to Your testimonies.
I made haste, and did not delay
         To keep Your commandments.
The cords of the wicked have bound me,
         But I have not forgotten Your law.
At midnight I will rise to give thanks to You,
         Because of Your righteous judgments.
I am a companion of all who fear You,
         And of those who keep Your precepts.
The earth, O LORD, is full of Your mercy;
         Teach me Your statutes.

-Psalm 119:57-64

May my anthem ever be: "Lord, I trust You. With all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. I can rest here. Not my will, but Yours."

let us waltz, my love.

2012-01-10T11:03:00.004-05:00

Tenderly, darling, let us waltz through the moonlight.
Sweetly, my love, let us gaze at the stars...
Singing His anthem; marking His imprints
Upon this hazy world...

Fearlessly, love, let us face this world's terrors
Courageously, sweetheart, let us conquer the dark
Recklessly, friend, let us give all in abandon
Surrendered before His hand...

Willingly, dear one, let us open our hearts...
Freely, love, give Him each moment; each minute
Happily, darling, let us give Him an anthem
Written upon the pages of the years...

Quietly, love, let us bow in His throne room
Worshipping with joy, yet trembling in awe
Let us cry "holy"; let us call out with creation
Praise to the One who endures...

This minute--oh dearest heart! Let us yield, unrelenting
Though far apart or closer than we really know
Patiently waiting, for His timing, His moment
Yet actively serving as He ordains

Giving, profusely...storing treasures in heaven
Serving, reminded of the Greatest Servant of all
Speaking, with wisdom, discretion, and passion
Remembering, the Sacrifice, the Truth

Forgiving, unconditionally, as we've been forgiven
Loving, unconditionally, as He first loved us,
Treasuring His faithfulness; anticipating with eagerness
Believing, He does all things well

Hand in hand with our Maker, oh! Let us adore Him
Trusting His leading; following in His steps
Little light from a candle; overtaking piercing darkness
By His grace, in His power, let us change the world

Death may pursue us; yet fear holds no foreboding
Living or dying, we know we are free
He who holds the waters in the palm of His hand
Carries us both on this journey home.

Oh!...*whispered:

Tenderly, darling, let us waltz through the moonlight.

Sweetly, my love, let us gaze at the stars...

Singing His anthem; marking His imprints

Upon this hazy world...

Peacefully waiting,
~Melanie

Little Unlocked Testimonies

2012-01-08T09:10:00.001-05:00

I stumbled across some journals today from years ago up until last January I didn't even know existed...or had forgotten...wanted to share a few, though there are not many in this bunch...oh! How much I've grown! Yet how sweet to see how He was at work in my heart...some of these times of my life are so dim in my memory...
(As a side note, in some of the entries below I stuck with my original punctuation/spelling etc. versus changing it to be correct.)

Age 15:

July 26, 2009

It is a Sunday afternoon and I've been reading "Uncle Tom's Cabin" and thinking. In chapter 31, page 286 in my book three is a scripture. "Fear not! for I have redeemed thee. I have called thee by name. Thou art MINE!" There is no reference, but I wish I knew where in the Bible it can be found.
[These verses in Isaiah 43 would become ones I clung to with my whole heart this past year...as the Lord led me to it last school year in ?February/March?. It is now one of my absolute favorite passages and a promise I hold so close.]
How precious it is to me to know that I was bought with a price and that I am God's alone. My heart, soul, body, mind, and strength belong to God. "How precious are Thy thoughts to me, oh God" I repeat as the Psalmist once said. Worthy is the Lamb who was slain. How wonderful are you Lord? How amazing is your grace to me? I am so content to just linger upon the thought that I belong to You! I love You so much!

August 28, 2009 records verses regarding the sin of bitterness that I finally let go of in February 2011.

September 20, 2009

I keep trying to be someone, instead of use being a person. I'm not consistent, cause I'm not me. I need to find my identity in Christ, not in who I want to be[at this time I had certain 'ideal' girls I wanted to be just like...and instead of seeking to specifically grow in my relationship with Christ, I was seeking more to be just like them]. I must keep Christ, ever and anon in front of me. Look to the cross, Melanie, find your fulfillment there, not in your future. Joy--find joy, not in the future, for no contentment comes with that. No--find contentment in Christ each day, for each day is a gift....
When I think of the cross, in these quiet moments at night--the realization of the love shown there shocks me. God must be everything I live for. He must be my Lord, my sleep, my path, my light, my example that I follow, the air that I breathe--the living water I drink. Then will I succeed in begin content. I keep dreaming of my future, not God's future for me. My life has been based on dreams, wants, imaginary things. Not the real, living presence of God.
God use my life. Show me Lord...what would You like me to do? Oh, soften my hear that I might receive Your word. Please give me confidence in You.

February 2, 2010

Well, in Elisabeth Elliot's book Keep a Quiet Heart she recommends one keeping a spiritual journal[which I would not end up doing consistently until 2011]; like on things you learned/were revealed to you during the day, scriptures that were especially beneficial, good quotes, and how God may have worked in your life in a special way each day. So here I am.....
I can see no better way then to start it with a quote that has helped me often--and one I do not want to forget.
"If we reject this cross, we will not find it in this world again. Here is the opportunity offered. Be patient. Wait on the Lord for whatever He appoints, wait quietly, wait trustingly. He holds every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year in His hands. Thank Him in advance for what the future holds, for He is already there." Elisabeth Elliot
....
I also struggle with worrying about being pretty too much, and living up to the world's standards in my looks. God reminded and reprimanded me with this verse last night.
"Charm is deceitful and beauty s vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised." Proverbs 31:30

February 3, 2010

*Sigh* I have been having a hard time keeping "a quiet heart" lately. So many worries. I opened up to this verse tonight.
"When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul." Psalm 94:19
....
On our ride home from caregroup, I looked out upon the stars and was reminded of the verse that goes something like "the heaven's declare You are God..." Our God is amazing (Psalm 19).

February 4, 2010

Must remember to surrender--completely....[I only thought I knew what surrender was then...oh! What is lifelong can only be surrendered in a lifetime.]
....
Remember to learn to be content as a singe young woman. Fall in love with Christ.

February 6, 2010

Excerpt from page 168 of Keep a Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot:

"...but think for a moment--because the virgin has never known a man, she is free to concern herself wholly with the Lord's affairs...she keeps her heart as the Bride of Christ in a very special sense, and offers to the Heavenly Bridegroom alone all that she is and has. When she gives herself willingly to Him in love, she has no need to justify herself to the world or to Christians who plague her with questions and suggestions. In a way not open to the married woman her daily 'living sacrifice' is a powerful and humble witness, radiating love. I believe she may enter into the 'mystery' more deeply than the rest of us."

February 9, 2010

"We may not be responsible for our circumstances, but we are responsible for how we use them, and we are responsible for our attitudes. We all have to do right with what God has given us." (Article by the Botkin girls titled "What about Me?")

March 2, 2010

I am weary.

March 14, 2010

"This hard place ins which you perhaps find yourself, so painful and bewildering, is the very place in which God is giving you the opportunity to look only to Him, to travail in prayer, and to learn long-suffering, gentleness, meekness--in short, to learn the depths of love that Christ Himself has poured out on all of us. It is His love that must be manifest in you as you quietly submit to what hurts you...this form of suffering is your opportunity to learn to leave with God what only God can do. It is His mercy that offers it to you, and don't forget that 'Love is His meaning,' as mother Julian of Norwich wrote."
Keep a Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot, pg. 233

April 1, 2010

"Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will but Yours be done" (Luke 22:42).

When despair creeps upon me, may I always remember it is okay to ask for things, but no matter what I must surrender myself to God's will and remember He is in control and knows what is best.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).

"I felt weak and helpless today. But God helped me as I prayed 'not my will but Yours be done."

April 7, 2010

God wants me! It's not just me desiring and loving Him--He loves me too.

April 27, 2010

"So more than watchman for the morning, I will wait for You my God! When my fears come with no warning in Your word I put my trust...When the harvest time is over and I still see no fruit, I will wait, yes I will wait--for You..."

May 3, 2010

A quote from Charles Brideges' from the book Girl Talk:

"Let His people bear witness whether He be not the greatest, best, most loving, most...faithful of friends. Truly He 'loveth at all times.' He is a friend to them that have no other friend;...a friend who abides, when all others have passed away. Mark Him as a present friend, known and tried, able to enter into all that most deeply affects us."

Age 16

June 23, 2010

"Jesus, I can't go on any longer"
"But I'm holding you."

"But why?"
"Because it's best."

"But how?"
"One step at a time"

July 6, 2010

Why?

July 25, 2010

"What, then, does it mean to love God first? One of the best descriptions is given by Adam Clarke:
'Hence, it appears that, by this love, the soul eagerly cleaves to, affectionately admires, and constantly rests in God, supremely pleased and satisfied with Him as its portion: that it acts from Him, as its author; for Him, as its master; and to Him, as its end. That, by it, all the powers and faculties of the mind are concentrated in the Lord of the universe. That, by it, the whole man is willingly surrendered to the Most High: and that, through it, an identity, or sameness of spirit with the Lord is acquired--the man being made a partaker of the divine nature, having the mind in him which was in Christ, and thus dwelling in God, and God in him.'" pg. 173 of The Beauty of Modesty

August 26, 2010

I'm gonna miss this. I'm going to miss these now seemingly difficult days of lots of school, nausea, dog etc.

August 29, 2010

"If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will satisfy a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad." Quote by Ruth Stull in book Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot, pg. 41

October 11, 2010

My soul has verb very weary of late. I feel sick ( I am physically)--but I feel spiritually exhausted also.
Oh, but God is with me through these trials...I just wish that the end for this set would come. I'm so weary and exhausted of fighting, and hiding. But it is in times like these that God's presence is evermore comforting. Even amidst my cries of "why?", He is still here telling me, "Peace--be still and know that I am God. In my PHC AP Literature class we've been talking about how God works everything for our good. I must remember that.
Jesus, I'm weak --but You are strong.
Jesus, I'm tired--but I know You'll carry me.
I love you, and I know You love me too.

October 19, 2010

"Who will love me for me? Not for what I have done or what I'll become."
"There's a peace I've come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail. There's an anchor for my soul, I can say 'It is well'."

November 3, 2010

"Stop trying to fit Me int your life; instead, build Your life around Me..." Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy

November 26, 2010

[What is underlined below is what I have underlined on the page itself]
"This I recall to mind, therefore I have hope. The Lord's loving kindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I have hope in Him,' The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him. It is good that he wait silently for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:21-26
[Arrow drawn down from "silently to the following:] Lord help me have a quiet heart.

December 25, 2010
I asked for a white Christmas and He gave it to me.

December 28, 2010

I am so thankful for the Ludy's...and Elisabeth Elliot. God has taught and is teaching me so much through them.
Over break I just have been feeling the tug of Christ on my heart--calling me to further abandon anything that would draw me away from Him. I truly want to pursue Him with all that I am and surrender every area of my life.

January 3, 2011
He's not going to fail us!
He's not going to fail us.
"Be assured, if you walk with Him and look to Him and expect help from Him, He will never fail you." ~George Mueller
He will never fail me.

Waiting

2012-01-05T10:12:00.003-05:00

I saw this quote today on a blog I love:

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams. ~ Ashley Smith

Though I love the quote, I have one comment. I don't have to fight for my dreams.

They are known; I can do nothing; He holds them in His hand; I can rest.

I'm the princess in the tower freed and guarded by her Prince.

Yet I'm the woman being trained for warfare in the quiet recesses of a field. The King has come to teach me how to battle....clashing swords ring out across the meadow as He feeds my soul as well as trains my arms for war.

Yet I'm the quiet young lady, feet dangling in a bubbling brook with journal and pen in hand. I like to soak in the sunshine, feel the breeze...to be still. Picking the petals off a daisy one by one..watching them fall and drift away...birds and their melodies...the smell of warm grass...

I'm the girlish warrior on the battlefield, fighting in the heat of battle...covered in dirt, hair loose from braid, and surrounded by confusion of the noises...the clashing of armor...the cries of wounded men. Looking through the smoke and clouds...praying for strength.

Yet I'm the quiet rose in the open field.

Staring up at the clouds.

Yearning, reaching...for more.

Praying.

Dying.

Learning.

Blooming?

Perhaps.

I am a daughter of the King of Kings.

I adore my Abba....He is teaching me how to dance....

A heavy heart; a soaring soul.
An ache; a joy.
A peril; courageous.

I am waiting.

For Him.

Sweet Days

2012-01-03T22:20:00.000-05:00

Fellowship.
Our Savior knew we would need it; what a blessing!
Early winter evenings...
A dear friend home from Moody on break.
From baking pretzels and spur of the moment experimenting with the dough....
(French bread, anyone?)

To making breakfast for the next morning--inspired with a few tips from a baking video sold by Vision Forum I watched the night before-- with that same dough...

(And they actually turned out well. We were both surprised...two crazy girls cooking together..and no major catastrophes...)

But this was far from the sweetest time.

After we finished baking around 8...

We went and spent time before the Father together.

Been wanting to do this for so long...

And He gave us the opportunity.

Quiet room.

Soft lights.

Song after song....

Worship.

Sisters.

Daughters.

Just two.

But praise Him for His promise:

"For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them."

-Matthew 18:20

"Give me Jesus...

Jesus, you're the reason that we live...

You're the solid rock upon which we stand...

Holy...

Lead us to the cross...

You're cry of love rings out...

10,000 years and then forevermore..

Draw us ever nearer...

And at the end of our heart's testing...

with Your likeness, let us wake.

We stand forgiven at the cross."

Sitting on the floor, prayers.

I know He met us there.

Hands clasped...

tears...

pleas...

praise...

worship.

Sharing stories about Him at work.

My heart was so peaceful after that.

It was a night that was not spent in vain.

And for that, I am so grateful.

This morning a walk in the "nipping" air...(28 F)

I prayed for a little snow at lunch yesterday..

We got a flurry last night....

Nothing stuck..but there was this much for us to draw in on her car this morning:

(I love you Julia. <3)

We turned back after a very short while during our walk...

But the sun was gorgeous..

The air so fresh...

And cold.

This afternoon/evening...

Almost 6 hours with two little boys I love very much...

We baked pretzels...

(Sorry, I didn't get any pictures. Two hands buried in dough with two little boys asking how to help and trying to show them what to do...it didn't happen. :) )

Went on rambles in the woods...

I was thoroughly impressed with this homemade artifact:

Whispered conspiracies and "hidden" laughter of deciding to lead "Miss Melanie" somewhere different than where they said originally...

And what do boys do when there's a pond?

Throw rocks.

What? Didn't you know that?

I love days like this.

Two little voices talking at once.

So many things to show me!

Running wild; wrestling; games; pain...

But all ending in laughter.

As I was washing dishes staring out into the dark through the white window panes decorated with homemade snowflakes...

And as the boys quietly sat in the living room with a movie...

I found myself thinking ahead to when I'm a mom.

Doing this all day; every day.

Whew.

May He mold me.

I am so blessed--those boys are so blessed...

by the gift God has given us in our mothers.

I received a brief taste today...

And I do when my mom's gone and Emily's with me..

Of how much they really do.

Thank you, mom.

And Jesus--oh my precious Savior--prepare me for what you have in store.

I look ahead eagerly;

But I am so thankful for right now...

You overwhelmed my heart with joy the other night in this season

So thankful for this time of singleness...

So thankful for my times with You.

So thankful for little kids.

Ah, I love babysitting.

Time to rest.

A new day begins tomorrow...

Lord, use it for Your glory.

And thank you for last night and today.

These have truly been, sweet days.

quiet grace

2012-01-01T12:16:00.000-05:00

I can hear the tick of the clock hanging on the wall next to me; the wind whistling through the trees; the soft patter of the raindrops on the window glass.
The dog is sitting on our overlook upstairs; I am quite sure she is resting there so she can keep on eye on me and the house all in one; I am quite safe when I am home alone...
Which I am right now...it's so peaceful inside. The quiet noises...the heater, the sounds of typing, and creaks now and then.
The picture above is right outside the window....

It is 2012 my friends. I've had such a sweet morning so far just spending time with my Abba alone. The family is gone and I have just been immersed in my prayer journal, music, and my Bible. *whispered...Oh, what sweet joy.

As I've pondered my life this past year, my heart overflows with thanksgiving. I am in awe of my Heavenly Father.

And two words have stood out to me for this next year....quiet grace. As I have pleaded with Him to work within me more...to break all of me...I found that this is what I'm asking for the next year.
That He would instill within me a sweet, quiet grace. One that radiates with His beauty and a calm that can come only from resting completely in Him.

Last night I went through a really strange time...laying in bed 'till 2:00 wide awake...then just feeling a desperate urge to pray against the enemy...turning on my light and opening my Bible...and praying as I flipped through the pages that have been so marked up since I received my ESV version last Christmas.

And I turned to Psalm 37. And within those confines of this beautiful Psalm on a windy winter night, I found answers to all the anxiety and fears I have been having lately. Certain phrases stood out to me on the page, and He continued to draw my eyes to others...

Trust in the LORD, and do good;

   dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the LORD,
   and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
   trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
   and your justice as the noonday.
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
   fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
   over the man who carries out evil devices!
Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
   Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.

"but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land...."

"but the meek shall inherit the land and delight themselves in abundant peace...."

"but the Lord upholds the righteous...."

"for the Lord upholds his hand...."

"for the Lord loves justice; he will not forsake His saints. They are preserved forever...."

"wait for the Lord and keep His way, and He will exult you to inherit the land...."

"the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; He is their stronghold in the time of trouble. The Lord helps them and delivers them; He delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in Him."

Psalm 34 brought a sweet joy to my heart also.

This verse has been ringing within me lately:

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You.” 2 Chronicles 20:12b

After the Lord spoke to me through it in my reading one day, shortly thereafter I read a part in Shadow of the Almighty where the verse had stood out to Jim Elliot also. The Lord was constantly reminding me...
"Keep your gaze on Me, My daughter...there you will find strength."

"I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed."(4)

Praise Him! He delivers me from the fears that bind me. When I look to Him, I will not be ashamed....my face is radiant as I see His glory and love.... *whispered...oh, what sweet joy.

I listened to an incredible sermon by Eric Ludy titled "Fearless" a few days back and found conviction there...I'm done living in fear of tomorrow, or in anxiety. It does lead "only to evil." This is a sin, for in my fears I am doubting and questioning the promises of my God. I'm done with it. Seriously, by His grace...may He quiet my heart with His love...

"The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and His ears toward their cry...."

"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

And with this verse on my lips, I turned out the light:

"The Lord redeems the life of His servants; none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned."

And thus began my 2012.

By His grace, I need not walk in fear. I need not fret so much....I can walk in the light of His face....

There I find myself walking along flowered pathways with garden arches...

There I find myself sweetly waltzing in fields with the King of Kings.

There I find the strength to silence the enemy when he comes...

There I find the Spirit of strength....His sustaining power...all that I will ever need.

2012 is a year unknown. But I pray that on January 1, 2013, I will be able to look back and say "it was not in vain."

My Savior is bringing me back to the Gospel. Pointing me towards the cross. I cannot ignore what He did there. Earlier last night He overwhelmed me with His love once more, and I sobbed. There is something so humbling when we come face to face with His love. So undeserved...yet so real. *whispered...Oh, what sweet joy.

On another note, I want to say I am praying about something(s) I feel like the Lord has been asking me to do...I am seeking His face right now concerning it. This will mean I most likely(though not sure yet) won't be posting quite as frequently on my blog(narrow it down to once or twice a week kind of thing). I still love this blog, but there are different seasons of life...and I will still be writing, just not primarily on here...perhaps I'll share someday. ;) And trust me, I certainly won't forsake it completely. But I need to seek the Lord as to how He would have me use my time, and I do not ever want my blog to come up to a place in my life where it should not be.

Oh, dear friends! My heart is eager for 2012. My hands are open, my heart is surrendered(and still learning surrender), and my eyes are full of laughter as I await all He has in store. All circumstances are welcomed if it is what He wills...and He will use them for His glory in the end. All things work for our good...all.

May our hearts ever grow bigger for the sake of the Gospel. May we ever seek a deeper relationship with Jesus Christ. No sweeter name than the name of Jesus.

Praise Him. Welcome 2012.

2012: without reservation

2011-12-30T15:33:00.002-05:00

For 2012...I have no resolutions other than...

to love a little deeper~
to stand a little taller~
to laugh a little louder~
to speak gently~
to give more profusely~
to live with reckless abandon~
to let faith grow stronger~
to smile in the face of adversity~
to wipe tears from weary faces~
to speak a little less~
to listen a little more~
to carry His burdens for this world~
to rock children to sleep~
to live for Him alone~
to point others to Him~
to radiate with His glory~
to pray more at His feet~
to dance a little freer~
to sing a little stronger~
to be an encouragement to those around me~
to die daily~
to surrender more freely~
to battle with more determination~
to give joy in all circumstances~
to love Him more.

~to be utterly transformed by His renewing grace~

evermore.

daily.

to be changed.

made stronger.

lift Him higher.

forget self.

abandon sin.

lay it all down,

nothing in my own strength

to know the truth

to draw closer

to Him

Daily.

~to see the beauty~

in the colors; taken for granted

in the rainbows that boast of a promise

in the laughter, that shows His heart

in the unknown path of the months to come

in the giving that holds nothing back

in the songs of birds

early spring rain

crisp autumn leaves

snow-capped mountains

desperate prayers

brokenness

surrender

but joy.

my journey home

~to learn to see...

the world with His compassion

to hope with absolute confidence

to serve with His kindness,

His gentleness,

His self-control,

His patience,

and to

abide in His peace

to learn a quiet heart
~to be still~

to radiate with an inner quiet grace

quiet grace

{All in all?}

To live a life that is not in vain.

Thus says the LORD,
who makes a way in the sea,
a path in the mighty waters,

who brings forth chariot and horse,
   army and warrior;
they lie down, they cannot rise,
   they are extinguished, quenched like a wick:
“Remember not the former things,
   nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I am doing a new thing;
   now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
  and rivers in the desert.
The wild beasts will honor me,
  the jackals and the ostriches,
for I give water in the wilderness,
   rivers in the desert,
to give drink to my chosen people,
the people whom I formed for myself
that they might declare my praise.

-Isaiah 43:16-21-

My Chance to Die

2011-12-28T21:15:00.000-05:00

I've found the pearl of greatest price.

All day I've been fighting depression.
And being sick, again.
Yet in the midst of a battle,
I found the pearl of greatest price.
It peeked through the shadows...
And I saw it in a whole new light again.

Oh, the precious pearl that first beckoned me--the joy of finding Heaven.

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, who, on finding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it. -Matthew 13: 45-46

Realizing that when I chose to follow Him, whether I realized it or not at first, I also chose to die.

For me to live, I have to die. I'm realizing this.

But dying has taken on a new light.

Part of me died as a little girl...growing up...all the things I remember.
Part of me died when we moved from Colorado.
Part of me died the year I went to school.
Part of me died last year...and then in November...
Part of me died.
December 2010--part of me died.
January--part of me died.
February-part of me died.
March-part of me died.
April...part of me died.
May--part of me died.
June...
July...
August...
And the list goes on. Daily, part of me dies.

But the dying has changed. I used to just die inside and ache. But now, I see a bigger story unfolding...I can look at ever month of this year and see something that taught me surrender and began to show me what it means to lay down my life and take up my cross to follow Him.

But not only this.
Now I can look back and see...
As a little girl, the Lord was beckoning to my heart...beginning to show me who He truly is. He held me then; even when I didn't realize it.
In our move, the Lord was preparing me to have nothing but Himself.
In going to school, the Lord taught me of His love.
Last year, He began to break me down.
January--He drew me close.
February--I let go and knew Him more.
March--I wanted Him. Nothing more; nothing less.
April--He taught me to trust Him.
May--He pulled me ever closer...
June...
July...
And so the story goes on...

Each month has held brokenness.
Yet, in these months of brokenness...years of pain....
There's underlying beauty of the pearl of greatest price.

Realizing the One who has won my heart.
Realizing, He's worth dying for.
He's worth giving up ANYTHING that would draw me other than to Himself.
ANYTHING.
Man. I wonder if I truly understand the meaning of that word.

All day I've been struggling. Dark clouds over my soul...
Yet tonight...I feel a joy.
The joy in surrender once again.
The joy that says I'm going to give all.
Recklessly.
With abandon.
I do not want my "longing to slay the appetite of [my] living" (Jim Elliot).
I can yearn for "freedom"
Ah, but freedom is the truth.
The Truth.
The one that sets me free to smile each day. Each day that I die inside.
I'm so tired of dying and feeling like...well...I'm dying inside.
I'm ready to die, in order that I might live.
For His glory.

With my eyes on the Pearl of greatest price.
The One that nailed Himself to a cross on my behalf.
The One that has cried tears for me.
The One who knows my name,
Who carries me through waters.

I need not mourn tomorrow.
I have a chance to live for Him!

My parents gave me a pearl ring for Christmas.
This night I've committed...from now on...to let it be a reminder of the Pearl that I am serving.
What I have gained in my "loosing".
What He bestowed in His giving.

And to remind me of the commitment to search my heart and destroy all that is not of Him. Anything that draws me from Him--may I slay it to the utmost.

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. -John 12:24-25

I can complain all I want. But it's not until I learn to live every moment with my hands open and my gaze up that I will be able to die "daily" and truly live a surrendered life.
I want to start now. I'm so tired of crying over yesterdays and dreading tomorrows. I'm so tired of weariness. Frankly, I'm just tired in general. lol

Oh Jesus! Teach me to draw nigh to you....to kneel at your feet, bow my head to the floor, and worship. Teach me to rejoice in everything you send, truly believing it is from Your gracious hand that works all for my good. Teach me to rejoice in tribulation, and to lay up treasures in heaven. Continue to cultivate within me a heart that spurns what is not of you...and to use what You have given me for Your glory alone, not for selfish ambitions. Oh Lord! And please, teach me gently...I am overwhelmed by my sin...my inadequacies. I so easily succumb to condemnation; to self-pity; to anxiety.
Oh! That I may be changed by Your hands; molded by the Potter; purified by the fire though it involves such pain. Let me take this willingly. Forgive me. Oh, Abba, forgive my doubt. My silent complaints. My numbness. Teach me true sorrow--Your compassion; I believe You are. But help me cope with that sorrow. This knowing ache.

My anthem for the coming days....Matt Hammit's song All of Me. Am I willing to give all for those I love? I have been listening to this song over and over this Christmas...I want it to be the attitude of my heart.

I'm so close to what I can't control.

I want to give all of me to those I love...those who need my Jesus.

It's all worth it; it will be. No matter the years.

But I can only find the strength to press on in Him.
Oh! For a by-my-side companion to walk with me and daily encourage me!
But I have One. The Companion of all time....He's all I could ask for.
Daily with me; pressing onward.
Daily living; daily dying.
Teaching me patiently.

He gave all of HImself.
Therefore, I can give all of me.
But only By His Grace.
Let me recklessly love...with You as my guide and example...

The Pearl. My gaze is fixed. Will you join me? Oh! Let us surrender. Broken, but beautiful.
I want my Abba to have my life.
And I'm willing to die.
Again.
Tonight.

Christmas Pics

2011-12-26T11:46:00.000-05:00

Emily announcing to us her gifts via "mic" and the order in which we are to open them. :)

Me experimenting with new telephoto lens and bokeh...

Love this song(in fact, I'm listening to it right now):

(I have officially decided she is absolutely beautiful.)

In the above picture she's showing Grandma the sugar cookies she made with mom.

Cousins...

My Aunt and Uncle who have three kids, just recently adopted three more from Brazil...a sibling group all under the age of ?8?....this was our first Christmas all together...

(Excuse the weird ?dust marks?..still figuring out this lens...)

My crazy, single Uncle...

Sweet surprises in wrapping paper...

And our yearly cousin picture, with three new precious additions (like the chaos?):

Oh bother. Gabriel's hidden in this one...so I shall have to post the one of us in pain...

I hope you all had a wonderful day. :)

Immanuel

2011-12-25T08:22:00.002-05:00

Tears.

Opened Bible.

Falls to Matthew 1.

She reads quietly until she reaches this part:

All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet:“Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel” (which means, God with us). -Matthew 1:23

Her eyes stopped as one word stood out. Truly.

Immanuel.

She had been asking for His presence; asking for Him to come.

Yet the truth sunk in.

He was already there.

God with us.

And she simply whispered "Immanuel" over and over, meditating on the meaning....and it slowly changed to "Jesus...Jesus..."

And she knew her Shepherd was hearing the cry of His little lamb.

He heard it two-thousand years ago when He came to earth in the form of a man.

He heard it two-thousand years ago when He changed water into wine.

He heard it two-thousand years ago when He preached to crowds on the hilltops.

He heard it two-thousand years ago when He was in the garden.

He heard it two-thousand years ago when He was on His way to Calvary.

He heard it two-thousand years ago when His Father turned away.

*pause and tears*

He heard it two-thousand years ago when He cried "It is finished."

He has heard the cry of the world, in need of a Savior. And so He came.....

...as Immanuel.

And He changed the world.

In those days a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be registered.This was the first registration when Quirinius was governor of Syria. And all went to be registered, each to his own town. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the town ofNazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child. And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn. And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with great fear. And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Forunto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.” And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”

When the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us.” And they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in a manger.And when they saw it, they made known the saying that had been told them concerning this child. And all who heard it wondered at what the shepherds told them. But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.

And at the end of eight days, when he was circumcised, he was called Jesus, the name given by the angel before he was conceived in the womb.
-Luke 2:1-21

Merry Christmas, my friends,
~Melanie

~melodies of a full heart

2011-12-23T16:49:00.000-05:00

My fingers dance over the keys;

we are old friends.

As the notes float and dissolve into the warm, inside air surrounding me,

my mind once again is carried to dreamland.

I am no longer focusing on my finger movements.

Though my eyes are facing the page,

I see nothing.

I am reminiscing.

Remembering Christmases gone past.

Memories forgotten awaken once more.

Sometimes my eyes fill with tears and my fingers trip in their melody.

Other times, a smile lights my face or laughter rings in my heart,

as I quietly look out the window into the dark night.

Joy suddenly becomes something tangible...

Laughter rings in my ears

Foggy scenes float across the screen I see...

Of laughter. Warmth. Love.

Tears.

Sometimes, it's easy to live in a world full of memories

My mind starts the minute the first note sounds...

And other times, it's much too painful.

Then, I face reality. Today.

It starts me from my reverie.

I pause.

But then I start another song I know in my heart.

The words are there

And I quietly hum them as I sway, following the music,

floating from my hands to the keys.

And the last note rings as I release both my hands and the petal, slowly.

I sit in the silence as the last notes touch the ceiling.

And walk away into reality once more.

My day has consisted of food. Lots of food.

Grocery shopping on Christmas Eve's Eve is, hmm....busy? :)

Just finished up baking and shredding and baking.

Made a new cheesecake for the family dinner tomorrow...

It's smells soooo good.

I mean...caramel + apples + cinnamon + sugar + graham crackers + yumminess = we will find out. ;)

I enjoy baking. So much.

While I'm at it, these are pretty good too:

My brother loves 'em.

Okay.

I do too.

I found the recipe here: Click here if you like homemade pretzels. ;)

And decided I wanted to give them a swing.

Have made them several times.

A.m.a.z.i.n.g.

Can hear my dad quietly playing Christmas music on his guitar; Emily watching Mary Poppins.

Mom unloading/loading the dishwasher.

The click of the keys as I type.

And then I cough. I don't like having a cough. It ruins the peace. :)

I'm gonna fly away now.

Merry Christmas' Eve's Eve friends.

<3 Mel

Wrapped and Held...at Christmas...have we forgotten?

2011-12-20T18:13:00.003-05:00

There is something so utterly comforting having my Abba hold me. Such a peace.

No, literally.

I'm not going to tell a real story, because there's better things you could do with your time, but to make a short outline of it all, I had a reaction to some eye drops used in my eye-checkup yesterday morning, and basically passed out on the floor for a moment. First case in their office in four months.

As the world began to go off balance and fade in and out, I wanted to panic in my heart, but I just kept talking to myself thinking I was overreacting. Sometimes when I stand up really fast, I get dizzy and I figured that was what was going on, even though I hadn't made any sudden movements. As I leaned against the wall behind my mom as she finished up at the front desk, I started to get scared as the feeling became worse and worse and I had no idea what was going on. But there was this sweet, oh, dearly sweet peace...a quiet whisper "Abba, I trust you. You're here. I am safe in Your arms no matter what is going on." Such a peace...and goodness, such a weird sensation.
After all that, I have one complaint. I mean, seriously, couldn't I have had an extremely dramatic faint that would make for a great story..something right out of Anne of Green Gables? But noooo...*sigh* ...actually, I really have no complaint. Thankful for God's caring hand; rejoicing as I know I can trust in Him completely.

My friend's sympathy when I told her?

"Well, you are the swooning type."

I am so not. Just saying. If I wanted to swoon, there would have been plenty of chances for me to do so in my life so far. I'm pretty sure that was the first. Aaaaand it wasn't my fault.

But all that to say, as this Christmas approaches there is this sweet, sweet rest in my heart amidst the ongoing ache. Every time I look up to His eyes I see His love and compassion waiting for me there. The other morning, the Lord really impressed upon my heart a verse in my Bible reading.

We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you. -2 Chronicles 20:12b

Jehoshaphat's prayer encouraged me. He realized he could not do it on his own. And what does he tell the Lord? That even in the uncertainty, the people had made the decision to fix their eyes on the One they knew was present and would deliver them. The One they knew loved them with a jealous love.
When I turn my gaze up to Him--and as He's been teaching me--keep both eyes locked to His, I find strength, perseverance, love...and joy. Yes. Joy.

Perhaps I repeat myself often. Perhaps I ramble on here. I'd like to be a perfect, absolutely refined communicator/ A, B, C, grammar speaker/perfect linear writer. But I'm not. I just write what pours from my heart in these moments. So forgive me if I'm redundant. Sometimes I can't remember what I've written versus what I've pondered.

I love the reason for Christmas. Love it. Oh! Did I mention, I love it? Mhm. I'm struggling with how commercialized it has become, wishing that we could simply take the time we spend on all our selfish things, and use it for others with the greater picture of eternity graven on our hearts. Jim Elliot wrote in one of his letters to Elisabeth in Shadow of the Almighty:

And now men talk of Christ-mass--weird monstrosity and mixture of bring lights, reindeer, tissue paper and scraggly evergreens; jumbled mobs, bargain-baited, 'striving after the wind', singing 'Silent Night'--but what know they of Immanuel? How can they understand the God who once was wrapped in swaddling clothes? How long, Lord, ere they bow the knee? (86)

What know we of our God? Such a miracle.

He came.
For us.

This is the whole reason we celebrate Christmas. Yet what has it become? A holiday where we sing about "you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling' you why...Santa Claus is comin' to town..."
I just can't do that. I can't. I see the Santa's, the reindeer...the "happy holidays"..."I want this/I want that"...I see how it's all covered up the true meaning. We need to go back to the basics. It was one couple, chosen by God. One miracle...one baby. One Savior that would change the world. We use these phrases so often. But do we realize the significance? Do we realize it all? I am reminded of the song "What Child Is This?" If you want to see a song that captures the true meaning of Christmas, read these lyrics...

1. What Child is this who, laid to rest
On Mary's lap is sleeping?
Whom Angels greet with anthems sweet,
While shepherds watch are keeping?

This, this is Christ the King,
Whom shepherds guard and Angels sing;
Haste, haste, to bring Him laud,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

2. Why lies He in such mean estate,
Where ox and ass are feeding?
Good Christians, fear, for sinners here
The silent Word is pleading.

Nails, spear shall pierce Him through,
The cross be borne for me, for you.
Hail, hail the Word made flesh,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

3. So bring Him incense, gold and myrrh,
Come peasant, king to own Him;
The King of kings salvation brings,
Let loving hearts enthrone Him.

Raise, raise a song on high,
The virgin sings her lullaby.
Joy, joy for Christ is born,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

He came, ultimately, to bear a cross. To suffer...to die...to face the Father's wrath.

All for love.

The love you and I are able to experience every day when we spend time with the Lord, when we walk with Him as His children.
The Love that says "you are forgiven" when Satan accuses us before the throne.
The Love that walks with us along life's pathways. Carries us through the valleys. Runs and leaps with us on the hilltops.
The Love that cries with us when we hurt, sings when we rejoice, and calls us "Son" or "Daughter".

It was all for love.

Yet, we've forsaken this Love. We've forsaken all that we should hold dear. We've traded it for mistletoe and stories of Santa, multi-colored lights, elves, and magic. We've commercialized a holiday that should be about Him into something that almost drowns out the real meaning of Christmas.

We don't do Santa Claus, and never have. But the other night my little sister was trying to convince my mom that Santa Claus is real. This mindset creeps into our homes.
Another family we know was watching Christmas movies recently..they watched several and then put in The Nativity Story. Halfway through one of their younger boys looks up and says, "This isn't Christmassy!"

We need to redefine "Christmas" in our homes. We need to point to the star that lit the way.

This Christmas, I am reminded of how Mary "...treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart" (Luke 2:19). That's what I want to do. I want to wrap the birth of my Savior and hold it close to my heart...an ever real reminder of the whole reason I can live and breath with freedom. The ever present sensation of an overwhelming love. The ever loving reminder of a manger, and a cross. I want to ponder them in my heart--treasure them--that the Gospel becomes part of my being. My life is useless if it does not proclaim is birth, death, and resurrection.

Remember Him this Christmas, friends. It's not worth celebrating if we don't.
He is so worthy of our worship.
He took it all for us.

So I creep into the stable, shyly approaching. The crisp breezes of the night hitting my skin with a tender sharpness, quietly dying down as I come closer to the manger. And I gaze upon the little baby. The rustling hay. The noises of the barn. The stillness. The wonder. The innocence. The beauty. The peace. And I sink to my knees as my heart is full.

And I bow in worship.

The surplus: a whispered, broken, heart-felt "thank you"

2011-12-17T15:33:00.000-05:00

The first part of this post was written from a dear "soul sister" and friend of mine (see more of her thoughts at Seeing Beauty) a little while back. It struck a note in my heart and I wanted to share it here., for I find I almost feel as if I could have poured it from my own soul also.

The surplus.

What do you want?, He asked.

To be whole.
To be free from bitterness.To see the good, true, and beautiful.
To live fully.
Ultimately, to give thanks.

Have you?

I have thanked Him. For many things.
For His grace, His kindness, His goodness and mercy.
I have given thanks for my few accomplishments.
I have thanked Him that I am so fortunateAnd so blessedAnd so full
And so able to get it all done.(Silently, bitterly
Grieving the emptiness
Counting failure after failure.)

False gratitude.Easy gratitude.
Like thanking my Savior for helping
(the same way I’d thank a small child for “helping”)
when in reality, I owe Him my life.

I haven’t thanked Him. For many things.
Consciously, unconsciously, I don’t really know.
But I know how bitter I remain
How it gnaws and aches in the silenceHow I don’t understand
How I cling to “This shouldn’t have happened,” and “I never deserved this,”How I wonder what I did wrong
And still think I could have prevented it.

I’ve conceded His goodness
Thanked Him for redemption,
for evidence of grace,
for sparing me from a harsher fate.Thank Him in all? I’ve tried.
But thank Him for all?

How? Is that even required?

Can I force my soul to do the seemingly impossible,
To be thankful for that which reason does not permit us to appreciate as “good”
To be thankful not for the byproduct or some secondary effect, but for the very circumstance
To acknowledge as worthy that which pain deems unworthy of thanks
To call the deficit itself a surplus of grace?

No.

But He can change me.

I ache to be thankful.
Not to tally my losses, because our God is not a glorified thief
Not to even the score, because our God is not a scorekeeper
Not to make it easy, because our God is an artist of broken pieces
But to live with unreasonable gratitude
And in so doing, to live fully
Beyond the threshold of joy.

…

I am not trying to rob you. I’m trying to help you.
- Gandalf to Frodo

Only in the palm of His hand are we able to utter a true "thank you" for everything He gives.

Only when we realize He really did love us enough to die. That He does love us.

We are lost until He calls us

Wandering in the midst of a foreign land.

Oh glory! This is not our home.

His silent whispers that call us to "come and behold"

What are we to "behold?"

Himself.

Nothing more, nothing less.

For when we gaze upon His face,

We realize who He is.

And what we are.

We realize we stand before Him, unworthy.

But as we stand in the fountain of His grace,

We are washed.

Purified.

Like snow.

One baby in a manger.

One star. Oh! I do wonder what it looked like.

One little miracle that changed the world.

So small it could have been held in our arms,

Yet so big It is incomprehensible.

And I.....*pauses as tears well up*

I...

I, can call Him, "Abba."

Daddy. My Father. My Lover.

The treasure of my heart.

His love...like sweet drops of snow..

Like quiet whispering winds

Like echoing garden chimes that hint of laughter...

Is mine for the taking.

It's a miracle.

May I never leave His presence unchanged.

Ever closer.

Each day is one step nearer to eternity with Him.

Home.

It will be my true home.

Forever.

And now, my heart chooses to rejoice.

Because I know the One who has promised.

And He is faithful.

So I clasp His big hands in my own small ones,

And whisper a "thank you" from the depths of my heart.

Because I know His love.

And I am thankful.

Rain's Peace~

2011-12-16T17:23:00.002-05:00

You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You.

~Isaiah 26:3~

This post is not to complain. Oh no. It's quiet ponderings of a broken life slowly being refined by the Maker of the Universe.

It's falling; the rain outside. Quietly, ever so peacefully. The chill is creeping into the house.

Today has been a bit hard for me so far, and finally climaxed into quiet, spilled tears. I think just this morning I ran to my prayer journal to write three times. Just carrying a heaviness on my soul concerning circumstances.

Oswald Chamber's reading today in My Utmost for His Highest (ah, I love that title) talks about laying ahold of God's strength. I'm reaching for it; as I've been looking over things since last Christmas, I am just amazed by God's hand. There is this sweet peace over my soul even as I look on with an aching heart. It is trusting. It is at peace. Sometimes, I lift my face to His and whisper, "why?" But I am no longer angry. No longer bitter. But my heart hurts...a literal pain. Wishing I held all the answers. I am content to press on; oh! Even if I don't understand. Even if I'm helpless. Even if "I'm walking alone on the edge of this road...(Divine Romance)"

But there is this sweet love that envelopes me even as I look up at Him with brokenness written all over my face. I feel like Much-Afraid (Hinds Feet on High Places). Her shyness with the Shepherd...her love for Him...as time went on...He transformed her fear of her relatives to compassion and love; He utterly transformed her heart in every area. When God gets ahold of our hearts, we are changed.

This rain. It refreshes. The Living Water pours on our souls...we can dance in the bounties of His grace. I saw this quote today as I was looking over past posts for a project and smiled....

"I’d like to be this kind of girl – the kind who …Looks at a cloud and says to myself,“There’s a rainbow coming in just a little while.”And then kicks off my shoes and dances in the puddles until the sun comes out again." -Unknown

As each Christmas comes and goes, life remains unchanged. Yet my heart does not. Someone's at work within me in a way I don't completely understand.

I feel like I'm watching time go by in a blur...running through my fingers and slipping away.

I look at this Christmas with tears in my eyes, yet a quiet song in my heart.

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot loose. --Jim Elliot

I've let go of life...and it's sweet. It's a sweetness I can't explain.

I'm going to have to work through things to heal. But He is the greatest Physician. So tender. So patient.

May He teach me to surrender. To shine with His light. To radiate Him.

Oh, Jesus! Let my life be a testimony of You. Every moment, ever year that goes by. Let me be able to say "blessed be Your name" no matter what comes my way. By Your grace, help me stand ever firm for Your glory. Teach me the servanthood that gives until nothing's left. I have got to learn that. I have to. For this day...fill me up and pour me out. Let me be better for the wear and markings of much training and teaching...for continual filling and pouring. This life is not in vain when lived at the foot of the cross, ever ready for wherever You call or beckon me. This life is not in vain when Your hand is in mine, tenderly walking me through each day. Though I take up a cross, You have walked the path before me.

Therefore, it's beautiful.

So Lord, teach me. Take my heart..help me be a gift to others this Christmas. For that is the example You gave, is it not?

I love You.

And the rain ever falls...the heavy clouds floating over the mountains, the dense fog blocking my view. Yet it's gorgeous. And so peaceful.

What is Ellerslie?

2011-12-15T11:58:00.000-05:00

Several of you have asked what exactly Ellerslie is via comments and emails...so here's the video that explains. :) As of right now, I will be going to the Basic Leadership Training (two month program) starting June 2012.

http://www.ellerslie.com

I was just reading my txt messages and I have several "locked" ones I've saved. One I just saw is from December 2 last year. I was talking to one of my girlfriends about Ellerslie--I think I had just discovered it-- (she introduced me to the Ludy's books) she wrote: "Ellerslie is a place I can see you!" *smile Well, I'll be there, Sarah. And I'll get to visit with you too, dear girl. So thankful Ellerslie is so close to my old home.

This friend went to the summer semester this past year and has gone through it now...it was so neat walking the journey some with her from a distance. We had some long conversations together as she shared what the Lord had been doing during her time there...I'd pace on the driveway under the stars praying that I might be able to go someday.

Sorry friends, this is just a wonderful Christmas present directly from my Abba. :) Can you tell I'm excited? *smiles, happy sigh and shrugs shoulders like she does when she's excited*

Just wanted to post briefly and share.
Have a blessed day,
~Melanie

One Year: "When My Abba Says 'Yes'" part 2

2011-12-14T14:35:00.000-05:00

November 12, 2010: "...Ellerslie..."
November 23, 2010: "...Ellerslie..."
December 11, 2010: "...Ellerslie..."
December 30, 2010: "...Ellerslie..."
January 4, 2011: "...God, I want to go to Ellerslie. It seems like an impossible dream right now--but I'm going to trust that if You're calling me there that You'll work it out. Lord--now at this time-- please help me surrender..."
January 28, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
February 12, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
February 18, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
March 1, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
March 17, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
March 22, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
March 28, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
April 9, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
April 18, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
May 9, 2011: "Ellerslie..."
May 10, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
May 27, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
June 9, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
June 10, 2011: "Ellerslie...."
June 13, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
June 19, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
June 29, 2011: "Ellerslie..."
July 2, 2011: "...Ellerlsie..."
July 5, 2011: "...Ellerslie.."
July 9, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
July 10, 2011: "Ellerslie..."
July 14, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
July 17, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
August 4, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
August 10, 2011: "...Ellerlslie.."
August 16, 2011: "Ellerslie..."
August 19, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
August 23, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
September 24, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
September 27, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
October 4, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
October 18, 2011: "Ellerslie..."
October 26, 2011: "Ellerslie..."
November 9, 2011: "I lay Ellerslie before your feet. I have no word but 'Let Thy will be done.'
November 20, 2011: "I'd never forgive myself if I didn't write tonight. I have permission from both parents to apply for Ellerslie. *tears*
November 22, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
November 26, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
December 3, 2011: "...Application submitted..."
December 13, 2011: "...Ellerslie..."
December 14, 2011:
After one of the sweetest phone calls I've had in a good long while...
I'm in.

The tears welled up in my eyes as I hung up the phone and fell to my knees beside my bed, thanking my Heavenly Father.

At the beginning of this year, all earthly odds seemed to say, "no."

But as I surrendered this idea, God changed it from something that I "thought would be fun" to something I was passionate about. As I turned over other options and asked what He willed....as I laid down before Him...surrendered...He changed this dream from "my dream" to "His will for me." As I delighted myself in Him, He transformed the desires of my heart to align with His. As I sought (and continue to seek) His will for my life, I believe this was part of it, though I did not alway know this in my heart.

The above list is, from what I can tell, every time the word "Ellerslie" specifically appeared in my prayer journal over the past year. It is also referenced and alluded to many other times, but just not specifically named. It has been brought before the throne so much, in many different seasons. From "this would be neat,"to "I don't know about it" to "Oh Lord, please!" to "It's impossible" to "Is this what You want for me?" to "I'd love it so much, Abba" to "Thy will be done."

He confirmed His desire for me to go to Ellerslie in my heart so quietly. For example, one was when I was sitting out on the campus at PHC camp this summer. Here's an excerpt from my July 4 blog post:

Peace.

We were extremely limited on free time at camp, but one afternoon I decided I desperately needed some one on one time with my Jesus. I was aching for a devotional with Him.....oh! By God's grace....it was amazing....we had been spending time in His word as a group etc....but I really, really missed my one on one time with Him. There was a literal yearning in my heart. I had had some time a couple nights before, but I had decided earlier on that day that this afternoon's free time was going to be set apart for Him and I.

I crept out into the Gazebo (you know, the one on Come What May? ;) )...with my Bible, prayer journal, several books, and a Carmel frappucino from the coffee shop. I just sat there listening to the breeze through the willow tree and letting the wind blow my loose hairs that had escaped from my clip. As I stared out over Lake Bob (okay, that sounds totally unromantic), the Lord just flooded my heart with His peace. I know why He had me there.

Earlier this year...I really thought the Lord perhaps wanted me at PHC....But several months ago He began to open another door to my eyes and draw me in that direction...and I know that's where He wants me. Though I can't see past next summer and fall...I truly believe I know what He desires for me then...and I am so content not knowing anything more. Just through events at the very college I thought I was perhaps going to attend, He again confirmed the desires of my heart.

I want to give Him everything. I have such a burning passion for purity, sharing the Gospel, and pursuing Him with everything in me...and I want to share that passion with other young women. So many people are broken and hurting, and no one would ever know. I want to reach out and share the joy and love of my King. I want to radiate with that joy and love, and change the world for His glory.

I feel like the world has so many lists of rules about what not to do, what to do etc. when it comes to purity and living a life for Christ. But the most important thing is that your heart must first be taken over and wholly surrendered to the King of Kings, or else it is all in vain. Your desire to pursue purity, modesty, and a life set apart for Him begins with actually giving Him your life and laying down your dreams; allowing Him to come in and take over. But oh, it is glorious. It is absolutely wonderful giving Him control.

As I slowly got up from my seat in the gazebo and walked on the soft grass nearby, He quietly whispered to my heart. Basically, for some reason, two ideas has spun in my heart earlier in the year and I had laid them before Him, almost as rivals. Ellerslie, or PHC. And somehow, as I stared at the PHC Hall, I knew where He wanted me. Something in my heart. And there was peace. I think I could have floated off on the breeze...

And through several other things He confirmed this. I believe it is His will for me. And I smile as I realize it is only because of Him that I can sit here and say, (as of what I know right now) I will be at Ellerslie in June 2012. Oh! I do not know where He will lead from there. But I do not need to know; not now. I can imagine, but I shall rest in His arms.

Maybe some of you may think I'm silly. But I don't. I think, in the realm of my life and the desires, passions, etc the Lord has placed in my heart...Ellerslie will play a huge part. And someday, when I can share all...over a cup of tea perhaps?...you'll know all the details and how it truly is only because of the Lord that I am going.

I get to go to Colorado. *happy sigh*

"I hung up the phone and the tears welled up in my eyes. God, this has been such a journey--and I think will still be very much....Oh Jesus....I know this has all been from You. Every guidance, direction--Your still, quiet voice."

May He continue to walk with me...my hand in His...as He continues to lead, guide, comfort, and refine. Six months is a long ways away and I know He has much for me between now and then. Much for me to do, to learn, and there's a life to live! But oh, it is exciting to have something so much from Him to look forward to.

I am resting in Him tonight. Looking forward eagerly. Had such sweet times with Him the past couple days. Diving into HIs word, being encouraged through good books, looking forward to Christmas break, and just realizing His love amidst difficult days. He is ever faithful.

For nothing is impossible with our God.

And to think, He loves me enough to orchestrate the little details of my life. *smile

I hope you have a blessed night, my friends.

Standing in awe before Him; resting in His arms,
~Melanie Joy