~playing for a moment

12:30.
Whew. Lunch break. Those few minutes to just read extra and send notes to far away kindred hearts and rest for a moment--to do things one can't do when buried in school.
I plop down in chair and open laptop. Check blog...open a few websites I want to read from...eyes float over words.....

"Sissy?"
She goes from one side of the chair and curves around to the other, resting her hand on the arm.
"Sissy, will you come outside and play with me?"

"No, sweetheart. Not right now." I pause; she sighs. "But I tell you what. When I'm done with school for today, I'll take you outside and play with you."
She says "alright" and the disappointment painted across her little face that expresses so much dissipates only a little. I hug her close, plant kiss on cheek...she stands near.
My heart speaks words; I know I need to listen.
"Em. You know what? Sissy will go outside and play with you right now." I faintly hear her echoed "Oh great Sissy!!! Thanks!" as I flip through pages on screen and catch something new. "Oh wait, hun, let sissy read this fir..." but words come slower and I suddenly find myself shutting screen and blue case edge meets blue case edge.

What was it He had been impressing upon my heart? Has been bringing to front of mind and soul? These moments--to take them.
The gift.
What if she was gone tomorrow?
Must I really always put off until later?
Oh no.  Not this time.
I stand up.

I grab camera and she loves pictures but I snap couple and we get no where fast and she tells me to stop so we can at least make it to the swing set.

And we race.
She screams; I laugh.

She pumps legs. When did she learn how to swing without a push to help? I don't remember this.

We work to see who can swing the highest.

"Sissy, am I higher than you? Am I higher? Am I??"

And I see her passing smiles through lens and I know this is why I own a camera, why I love photography. So I can remember the ordinary moments.

I watch her face as she fights for balance.

Camera meets grass softly and I run to rescue.

I watch her laugh. Be silly. Enjoy the moment.

This is what life's about. Spring air rushing round face as I spin and swing and just be a little girl for two more moments. I swing forwards, let head hang back, and the world's upside down. Emily chokes with laughter...

I watch her be a little girl who's slowly becoming not-so-little and something within me melts.
I think of months ahead when I won't be here.
And how I ached for a hug from her when just two weeks passed by last summer.
I wonder what these this summer's two months will feel like.
We're so close--she's my sunshine.
And yet...

Will she even notice I'm gone?


Heart wrenches.

Does she know I love her?
Yes. Oh yes.
Like the times when she asks me randomly, "Sissy, do you love me?"
I glance at her mischievously and pause just long enough with "well, let me think..." and before I finish she scolds me, flings arms around my waist, and says "say yes!"
And I stare into eyes and this love?
The love that comes from heart cry as tears spill and Spirit speaks late at night through prayer and I realize again the blessing she is.
What would I do without her?

We spin on tire swing and scream as I loose control and that feeling of everything spinning so, so fast just overtakes the mind.

So we share love outside on a swing set for a few moments on a warm day in February and make a memory. One memory. It's something small--but it's one more gift taken and treasured and maybe someday I'll catch on to this fully? Maybe someday self will have completely died....by grace...His grace...may He slay it all that would draw me elsewhere than to His plan, His heart--

For me.
For today.
For here.
For now.

I have to learn to make memories and joys in the midst of hard circumstances. Isn't this the lesson? To rejoice always? To give thanks in all circumstances? 
I just want to be joyful.

Within me.
Here, today.
There, tomorrow.
Now.

So I give thanks as I stare into green-blue eyes and watch brown hair wisps float around little girl face.
And I'm suddenly so thankful I didn't stay at computer.
I recognize the smells of earth and feeling of warm sunshine and cool breeze....and heart wells and sings song of adoration to Maker.

She swings more; I leave thoughts to join in on the moment.
And heart whispers thanks.